Day of Reckoning

Today was the last day of classes for me here, and I have to say that overall it's been a pretty enjoyable experience. Now I've got no classes for the next 4 days and then 3 finals Monday and Tuesday and then I'll be heading back home on Wednesday. With that in mind, I leave you with perhaps the craziest 11 seconds of local-only aired television ever:



I'll still post over the next few days, but in all likelihood they'll be shorter. You know, due to all the studying and ripping out of my hair. Hair makes keys hard to use.

My hairy keyboard brings all the boys to the yard.

-Dave

How Much Free Time is Too Much?

So I don't have a Facebook. That's really all the introduction that this conversation needs:

Atticus: you outcast!
Atticus: go to your cave!
Atticus: take your leprosy with you too!
Dave: you have facial AIDS
Dave: so i'll count my blessings about only having leprosy
Atticus: at least my arm won’t fall off!
Atticus: take that!
Dave: leprosy can be cured
Dave: AIDS is forever
Dave: like a diamond
Dave: except it slowly eats you away inside
Dave: so in that case, AIDS is more like food laced with fiberglass
Dave: it's definitely either a diamond or food laced with fiberglass
Dave: one or the other
Atticus: is it tasty food?
Dave: it's pretty meh
Atticus: darn
Dave: there is no upside to facial AIDS
Atticus: chyeah there is
Atticus: i have a disease that as an acronym can have an entirely different meaning
Dave: FAIDS?
Atticus: you suck!
Dave: what?
Dave: that would be the acronym for facial aids
Atticus: dave, aids is aids
Dave: yeah
Dave: but faids is facial aids
Dave: IT GOES ON YA FACE
Atticus: there is no such thing as aids specifically for one's face, bc even if it started in the face, it would move to the rest of the body
Dave: nope
Dave: your aids is the emergence of a new strain
Dave: excuse me, your faids is a new strain
Dave: it is contained within the facial region
Dave: the facial cavity
Atticus: you literally think way too into insults towards me
Dave: what else do i have to spend my time on?
Atticus: true
Dave: exactly
Dave: that's a double paradox
Atticus: you are a double paradox

-Dave

Summer Job

Ok, Today was my second day at my brand new summer job working ground's maintenance for my college. Not going to lie, it sucks... to a degree. I love being outside all day, and I love getting paid to exercise, but they work me and my fellow workers as slaves. AND I'm getting minimum wage, to add a cherry to the top of the turd of a summer job I have. I know I should be happy for even having a job, and granted I take advantage of a lot of stuff I should be thankful for, but this job is killer. I have to wake up at 5:45 in the morning to be at work at 7:00. Today, I mowed grass for 5 hours in the morning, and then carried buckets of water around to water the million flower pots we have. I'm quite sore. But all is good, the job isn't terrible, and I'm working with cool people. I just hope my legs don't fall off.

Atticus

The World's Most Influential (Sort of) Person

That's right, Moot was voted the World's Most Influential Person in the Time Magazine poll for this year. I guess you could say that Time Magazine accidentally the whole poll.

Let's burn this whole internet to the ground. Except for this picture (probably my favorite product of the Xzibit meme):


I'll get some torches.

-Dave

Physics is Garbage Collecting, Basically

I again spent all day studying for my Physics test tomorrow and can say with certainty that it was still better than studying Bio for even an hour. Delta's and psi's and phi's, oh my!

Sorry about that, I'm slowly going insane from the heat. Oh yeah, it was just as hot out today as it was yesterday. The only difference is that today I actually had to walk places. In short:


One thing that did catch my attention, though, was something someone said at the review session for the test earlier tonight. Random people were walking by with boxes of stuff and, in an attempt to get some of it, he said "We're Physics majors, we'll take anything we can get," which is true enough (although who doesn't like free crap?), but he continued "and never throw it away."



What?

-Dave

How I Survived the Heat by Killing Myself

IT WAS 87 DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY. It's almost midnight and it's still 70 degrees outside. You guys, I think I might have moved to Arizona accidentally because New York is not supposed to get like this. It should always be cold, rainy, and filled with people that have silly overly dramatic accents.

I woke up sweaty at 8 AM and then woke up repeatedly between 9 and 12:30 when I finally got up because I couldn't stand to lay still anymore. Did I enjoy the sunny day? No, I hate hot weather and was studying for a Physics test on Monday while sitting in front of my fan on high today. Oh yeah, and my allergies started acting up. Indeed, it was just as soul-crushingly miserable as it sounds (well, at least it wasn't Biology I guess). Anyways, I've got more studying to do tomorrow, so I'll just leave you with this:



My goodness they went downhill after Barely Legal. That album got me through today for sure. It is amazingly catchy and energetic, and it's really the only CD of theirs you need to bother with.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Watch This Movie

Primer, for those of you who do not know (all of you), was a movie about time travel made in 2004. It's budget was only $7,000 and it was still an excellent movie. It won the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival when it was released, and seems to have gained quite a large cult following since then. Here's the trailer:



I just watched it Wednesday at a club meeting, and holy crap was it excellent. I was actually following most of it (with the help of 2 people who had seen the movie before) until they said that one of the characters traveled back in time with a disassembled time machine; that prospect blew my mind.

Then someone said that they believe that the movie is an infinite loop due to some interesting details which I'll not spoil for you all here. How is my mind, you ask? BLOWNED! See this movie immediately. I'll even go so far as to say that this movie is worth buying the DVD. Yeah, it's that good.

-Dave

Real Men of Genius: Dane Cook's Brother-in-Law

We salute you, Mr. Embezzle Millions of Dollars from My Disgraceful-Excuse-for-a-Human-Being Half-Brother. Allegedly.

-Dave

Very Busy, I'm a Jerk

Dave: so this is just another bullet item on the long list of reasons that biology sucks
Dave: the professor sent out an email today practically begging people to fill out this survey about the class for 10 bonus points
Dave: and the survey has been up for almost a month now
Atticus: hahahaha
Atticus: ouch
Atticus: that just means the people in your class suck
Dave: nope
Dave: it's the science
Dave: you couldn't keep physics students away from a 10 bonus point survey with a stick
Dave: or a gun
Atticus: lol
Atticus: i was referring to the kids in your bio class
Dave: i know
Dave: and i defeated your point with a funny metaphor involving guns
Dave: you know how debate works
Atticus: i miss debating
Dave: Who is Deb Ating?
Dave: do we know anyone named Deb?
Atticus: you are such a jerk

-Dave

Jimmy Fallon Laughing and Not Ruining a Sketch

Debbie Downer @ Yahoo! Video

Now I know what you're probably thinking, "When doesn't Jimmy Fallon laugh and ruin a sketch?" BUT WAIT. This sketch featuring the endearing Debbie Downer (one of my favorite recurring characters on SNL) proves that it is indeed possible for Jimmy "I laugh when I shouldn't" Fallon to laugh when he shouldn't without ruining the whole sketch. In fact, I think that everybody struggling to stay composed adds to the hilarity.

-Dave

New ATHF, Shutup and Watch It

Here's how this latest episode started:

Vegetables are indeed the core of the universe. On a side note, I hate Biology and have a test in it tomorrow. Plants are biological, so I hate them too. You know how science works.

-Dave

"Crank 2" Is An Epic of Sleazy Failurism

So, while I have yet to see the masterpiece-candidate Crank 2, I have already weighed in on it. Apparently some people have now fallen for the same stupid excuse that Snakes on a Plane used to redeem itself; yes, I'm looking at you, io9.

Just as Snacks on a Plane was a terrible movie, Crank 2 is terrible. I haven't seen it, you haven't seen it, let's just agree to agree that it's terrible. What Crank 2 is not, however, is an ironic meta-comedy commentary on the ridiculous nature of action films today. No meta-commentary, Crank 2, not yours.

So imagine my surprise when I started reading reviews that touted it as such. For instance, you can read io9's full review here. Get it right, internet! Snakes on a Plane was just a terrible movie and so is Crank 2 (and Crank 1, for that matter). If you want a cheek-in-tongue action movie, shut your stupid faces and go see Shoot 'Em Up and enjoy that like I did, veggie deaths and all.

-Dave

Finals + Post = BACON TORCH

It is the weekend before my finals, and I am busier than Rosie O'Donnell with a packet of maple syrup-covered hot dog buns. But as my obligation to post to this blugzosphere we call the sandwich, here is something pretty amazing.



Think, the cucumber-bacon flamethrower. I think we should invest in this...why? Who cares, just do it. Fire is amazing.

-Atticus

Observe and Depress

I just finished watching one of the many cam versions of Observe and Report (whoops, piracy is bad, yadda yadda yadda), and my overall impression of it was that it was just depressing. The majority of the dialogue wasn't funny, and I could tell most of the jokes that were going to be made by/about the majority of the characters. The Brandy subplot was more annoying than entertaining, and I still fail to understand why Detective Harrison hated Ronnie so much. Something about having to spend his whole day at the mall or whatever. Blah blah blah I hate easy days at work too. Oh wait, all my days at work are easy and I love it. Ha!

On the positive side, every scene involving Aziz Ansari was funny, as would be expected from a scene involving Aziz Ansari. Oh, and that also goes for the cop with the big mustache, which I believe went unnamed throughout.

Despite Seth Rogen's presence in this movie, it fell way flat for me. Then again, I thought that Pineapple Express was so good that I may have had unrealistic hopes for this movie.

Addressing the "dark comedy" aspect of this movie would be like addressing the "photorealistic" aspect of the Teletubbies. It was clear that this is what the movie was reaching for, since most of the time the characters' flaws were the butts of the jokes, but I didn't care at all about any of them (as opposed to other movies whose characters I care deeply about, I know). They just weren't realistic enough for me to feel guilty at all about laughing when Ronnie's mental health was mocked, for instance. I just felt annoyed that the joke wasn't better.

I guess you should see this movie if you love Seth Rogen, or if you watch it for free, but I would have been very annoyed if I had spent the $10 to see this in a theater. Whoops, Seth Rogen, that's your movie that you had to put work into and pretend to enjoy. I'm sure he'll feel that burn as he lays on his bed of money and diamonds tonight.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: My Series, Let me Share You It

I have to admit, I've been following this new web series for a little bit now. It's called Player Haters, and it's basically an animated version of The Guild. It really sealed the deal when I saw that this latest episode deeply involved a certain Mister John Madden. The football guy or whatever. Honestly, I wouldn't know him if I hadn't played some of the Madden games, but enjoy:



Lame title pun aside, this series needs more viewers. 5800 views for a video which refers to John Madden as "eyebrows here"? And mentions the time Brett Favre made love to a horse with a football? Sandwich, pleeze.

-Dave

WTF Indeed

This seems like it could be a sketch on The Mighty Boosh, that's how much it warped my reality.

Seriously, though, does anyone else think that "pickle surprise" sounds like a euphemism for rape? No? It's just me? Hayum.

-Dave

Fallon? More Like Jimmy Fails On This Interview

Tim and Eric were on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night promoting Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, which is perhaps the best show currently on television. What's that, you haven't had the motivation to watch this season? Then let me present you with Spagett to motivate you:

Now don't you feel ridiculous? But back to the original point here, Jimmy Fallon sucks. The people submit into evidence the following video:



Your honor (we're in Blog Court, so it's time to be formal), this video gives irrefutible evidence that Jimmy Fallon knowingly and willingly attempted to kill lulz. The people strongly urge for death. Or the cancellation of his television show.

And yes, I could have gotten a non-watermarked video, but Videogum was the first site that had the video up when I was looking for it this morning, so kudos to them!

-Dave

Antiwhat?

Seriously:



My favorite part is the two overlapping screams. They harmonize quite well. That aside, though, what? What is this movie going to be about? Here are my notes from the trailers (I actually took these notes while watching the trailer, because I'm cool like that):

*Everything is tinted gray, and it looks sort of like the Blair Witch Project.
*The woman is getting too much medication (probably in an attempt to cure her grayness).
*Is that Willem Dafoe? Does he ever age?
*Two people go to a cabin in the woods.
*"Nature is Satan's church"? You can't just say things like that without an explanation.
*OMG dramatic look backwards.
*Sex in the tree of hands is weird.

This movie doesn't have a studio in the US yet, but I think we all might need to take a trip to the BitTorrent store to watch it anyways. I mean wait for it to come to theaters. Theaters aren't part of nature, so they're not part of Satan's church (and that's probably a good thing, right?).

-Dave

More of What This Blog Could Be

Here's a quick rundown of SNL this week from what I saw making the rounds in the blugzosphere (TM):

Zac Efron ruined every sketch he was in.
That lady with the crazy clothes did her zombie moaning rendition of "Maps".
SNL once again provided a clear road map of how this blog needs to develop by bringing back the blogger character from last week.



Sandwich, pleeeeeeeze. Zac Efron? Get out of here before Michael Cera and I murder you.

-Dave

Rule Number 1 of Viral Marketing Club

You do not talk about Viral Marketing Club What? This video made me re-evaluate my perspective on life because...what? Just watch it:



Hot flashes, get it? Because those are things that happen! BUY LAYS BECAUSE HOT FLASHES HAPPEN AND SOME WOMEN DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN PHYSIOLOGY. Hey guys, is that sexist? Guys? Guys? I think that might be sexist.

-Dave

Taking the Musket from Charlton Heston's Cold Dead Hands

So I read about this today:

A Confederate re-enactor has pleaded not guilty to reckless handling of a firearm in the accidental shooting of a Union re-enactor during the filming of a Civil War documentary in September.

Joshua Owen Silva of Norfolk appeared in court Wednesday on the misdemeanor charge, which stemmed from the shooting of 72-year-old Thomas Lord Sr. of Suffolk. A June 24 trial date was set, but prosecutors say they hope to reach a plea agreement with Silva before that.

Lord was struck in the right shoulder by a .45-caliber musket ball during the filming of the "Civil War Overland Campaign Web Series Project." He was treated at a local hospital and released.

All I have to say is that I told you so.

The South is coming back, and in full force. Sort of. With the force of a security researcher and one guy with a musket. My Southshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

-Dave

USA! USA! USA!

My goodness. I've spent the last 20 minutes looking up ridiculous concoctions of food equaling at least a literal heart-attack and and half. It started from this fark link. The 5/3 burger. This alone is stomach churning enough to make me run away, but thanks to the wonderful, yet slightly cynical posters on fark, I have stumbled upon this. This is why you're fat.




















The 10,000 calorie sandwich.

This is why you're fat.




















The 60 pound rice krispie treat


And most importantly, this is why you're fat!


















The Meat Ship!!!

Let this be a message for you people, let the professionals ruin their lives by joining the crew of the SS Meat Ship. Now if you'll excuse, I think I hear death calling on half of America's front doors.

-Atticus

And just because I love you all so very very much.

More-Famous Friday: A Rare Victory for Atticus

I have to concede that this is the first MFF video which Atticus saw before I was able to send it to him, and yet it has only 7200 views on YouTube? What is wrong with the tubes today? The dark places and obscure videos are my realm.


Mortal Kombat references aside (GET OVER HERE! It's 1995! Isn't Windows 95 great?), here's the unbelievable video of Vince selling the Slap Chop. In Spanish.



Judging from the production values of this commercial, the window budget might have been the biggest expense. You know how Spanish-speakers are, breaking windows all the time and whatnot. You know.

-Dave

Post 201

I was browsing Hulu today looking back at the glory days of SNL, otherwise known as the time when Will Ferrell was on it. This is quite a powerful commentary on the bleakness of suburban family life in a post-industrial America on the verge of cultural collapse. Also, apparently he drives a Dodge Stratus.



In newer SNL news, I just realized that this is basically what I do here except that I don't have as cool of a catch phrase:



We need to increase the pretentiousness factor at least tenfold on this blog. Um...oh! I know! I'll start raving about how Animal Collective's early work was mind-blowing, but how lately they've abandoned the sound that they perfected. You know how us New Yorkers are, 9/11 and all that.

-Dave

The South will Rise Again...but Slowly

From Slashdot:

Security researcher Jack Louis, who had discovered several serious security flaws in TCP software was killed in a fire on the ides of March, dealing a blow to efforts to repair the problem. Although he kept good notes and had communicated with a number of vendors, he died before fixes could be created and prior to completing research on a number of additional vulnerabilities. Much of the work has been taken over by Louis' friend and long-time colleague Robert E. Lee.

In other news, it is expected that the Fugitive Slave Law could increase tensions between the North and the South.



Also questionable is the article's use of the phrase of "killed in a fire" rather than "died in a fire". Unless someone purposely lit him on fire specifically, he died in a fire. Or maybe someone strangled him inside of a burning room, in which case he would have indeed been killed while in a fire. You guys know how techlology works: fire murders and whatnot.

-Dave

Home Depot is Serious BusinessNine Eleven

I was filling out a job application for Home Depot online today (indeed a fitting job for a physicist-shut up hippie), when I suddenly encountered what appeared to be a complex series of questions meant to test my comprehension of the English language. Do I have a screenshot? Of course I do, kiddos. The directions for this particular section were to arrange the choices in alphabetical order:



Holy crap. I think I got that first one wrong because there was no system set up which I could use to prioritize the numbers after the dash in relation to the numbers before it. How would you answer that question? Honestly, I don't think that it's possible to correctly answer without some kind of further instructions. My Anglish are well.

This reminds me of a story that my current Physics professor told my class about our former Physics professor, easily one of the smartest individuals I have ever met. Our current professor was in a department meeting with the rest of the Physics department and asked them one of our homework questions involving a circuit in which was partially contained within a changing magnetic field (Farady's Law, blah blah blah). Two or three got it right, 10 or so missed it, and former professor abstained. His reason? The problem did not specify that the circuit was in a plane.

This blog is not in a plane (aero or otherwise).

-Dave

This Guy is a Total Biolojerk

You know what? Screw you guys. You fail to recognize my genius. I called Atticus a biolojerk in a conversation we were having today comparing physics to biology (more like, boringology, am I right?) and got nothing in return (except for my test in it tomorrow). In an attempt to show just how original this remark was, I would like to include a slightly modified picture which came up in the Google Image search for "biolojerk":



Dare ya to eat with it.

-Dave

Sometimes Video Rants about Denny's Just Speak for Themselves

You're welcome.

-Dave

Fred Made a Funny Video for Once

I hate Fred with such a deep deep passion that I'm kind of upset with myself because of how funny this video is:



Those head things are creepy. That'll do Fred, that'll do.

-Dave

I'm Not Dead, Not Yet

Hello all you little minions of the internet, it is me, Atticus, coming back from the dead to tell you hi. And for you to stop raping my girlfriend, who is also dead. Super cereal, you are just as much as an inconvenience as having Johnny Depp following you around repeating everything you say in a pirate accent. But that's off topic - I have come here to bring you misery and hatred. Do you remember that terrible, but addicting song by The Police - "Message in a Bottle?" If not, you do now. Ironically, someone actually put a message in a bottle and sent it down the river. Here is the link to the actual story.

Sappy. I know.

This story, I care not for. Rather, I care for the comments made by Farkers. Especially this one by a certain CrazyCurt:

"Grrr. The USPS. Grrr.

I have been expecting a letter for a week. It should be here. Days ago it should have been here. It's not here. Three things could've happened.

1) one of the various postal delivery persons ( they change almost daily ) probably put the letter in the middle of a giant wad of junk mail and I never saw it. See, the mailboxes at this complex are the ancient, upright little metal lid boxes about 1.5 feet high and maybe 4 inches wide. There is no room to put the gigantic log of advertising inserts anywhere, so the delivery folks crunch it into a wad -- after putting important letters in the middle of said wad. Seen this many times.

2) Letter got delivered to wrong apartment, again. For some reason some of the delivery personel can't differentiate between, say, the letters J and R. It's like they can't read or speak English. Oh, wait ... nevermind, most are Latino or Asian, they probably can't. If delivered to some of my neighbors by mistake, as has also happened before like the previous example, letters gone, it had money in it, and these low-lifes around here open other peoples' misdelivered mail.

3) Lost by the postal service. Every year one or two letters sent to me vanish. Simply vanish. Usually it's cards with a little cash in them. Funny how that works, isn't it? So if you Farkers want to send someone a birthday or christmas card with some dough in it, forget it. Postal employees look for those and some have been known to make a quick buck. Or the letter fell out of a basket or box or cart. Once I was waiting on a letter for two weeks. It finally came, but had been ripped and had tire marks and dirt all over the envelope. I wondered if they had taken the mail to an offroad 4-wheelin' event.

No more of this crap. I am using online services from now on. You can't trust the USPS, as too many hands are involved with one delivery, and some of those hands may be operated by a corrupt criminal, illiterate immigrant or plain clumbsy dunderhead.

/ and there is word they are merging with FedEx. Holy crap that is really bad news."

First off, does your life suck that much that you feel the need to spill your life story to people who will take what you say and destroy for their own gain? Apparently. Another thing, if you don't like the postal system, you are not alone, but seriously, you just suck. And as always, thank you CrazyCurt for bringing us the news of why you are you and why no one cares about your complaints with the postal system.

In other news, I'm almost out for summer (yay) but I have 8 exams/finals to go through in the next three weeks before that actually comes (boo!). In all honesty, life is like CrazyCurt and the postal system, pick the wrong mailcarrier and you are screwed. Or not.

-Atticus

More-Famous Friday: NO IT'S NOT

Now I'm not here to say that this atheist's video is right or wrong about the logical fallacies presented by the original poster (this atheist's video is right about the logical fallacies). Mostly I'm here to comment on his face. The people present Exhibit A:


Now, the thing about making a face like this is that it makes me want to strap you down and put one of those masks on your face that they put over Hannibal Lecter's mouth to keep him from biting people. Yeah, you look like a crazy fictional cannibal. I bet that stung.


I DESTROY YOUR FALSE DICHOTOMY WITH MY MIND.

Moving on:

The problem with this face is that it doesn't match up with the word that he says immediately after, which is "What?" That is a sad puppy dog face.


Now, I have to admit that I probably made a face similar to this when I heard the Christian guy claim to have used logic to prove that there is at least a 51% chance that there is a god. But still. I'm a blogger, so I have the privilege of being able to point my eye lasers at all YouTubers who annoy me (just kidding, if I could laser people on YouTube who annoy me the streets would run red with blood).


Holy crap, his arms became light beams. This kid just disproved his own argument by revealing himself to be the devil.


Ah, finally we've reached a resolution and the acid kicked in.

But it's time that I leave this kid alone. He's just expressing his opinions on the internet. Besides, he and his cracking voice have appointments to appear in all the Harry Potter fanfic movies tomorrow morning. I better let him get the sleep that he'll need for that.

-Dave

Sacha Baron Cohen Takes Over the Internet Again

So here's the red band trailer for Bruno, on the off chance that you are new to the internet today (many thanks to Videogum for stripping the MySpace age verification off of the video):



We need to see this movie together. You tell me when you're free, since I think it's already been made abundantly clear that my life consists of mocking YouTube divas and pointing out Harry Potter movie spoilers. You know how college is. How many links to old posts can I include in a single post?

-Dave

Let's Talk About RFK and Space Nazis

Here's the thing about this blog, you guys: I don't like a lot of things. In fact, it would be equally fair to say that I flat-out dislike a lot of things. Perhaps it could even be said that I dislike most things and that my cynical outlook will lead me deeper and deeper into the darkness of isolation until I die alone and unloved in a dirty hotel room.

Most days that would be a pretty fair assessment of my blogging career up to this point. With few exceptions, this blog has been an unrelenting wave of negativity and mockery. Not today, my friends. As Robert F. Kennedy once said, "There are those that look at space Nazis and ask "Why?" I dream of space Nazis and ask "Why not?"



I was in the mood for something like this today, and yet would never have thought to ask for it. Like a fine wine that pairs surprisingly well with one's dinner. Except that it's space Nazis. My metaphors bring all the boys to the yard.

-Dave