Too...Tired.......Must.....Summarize....Television...

Scared to Death rules, watch it.  Better commentary next week I promise.  Oh, and I have to defer to the Wikipedia summary of the Parks & Recreation premiere because I'm a moron and watched it without taking notes and then waited too long to try and summarize it.  Something about gay penguins, Christian/parent advocacy groups ruin everything, and Aziz Ansari continues nailing his part.  Awesome stuff. 

Anyhow, my raw notes from Bored to Death (which you will not feel after watching this show...@Dave: ugh, your jokes make me hurt) are after the jump:

before the episode even starts- ted danson is still alive?
"what are you, another self-hating new york jew?" "mmm hmm, yes i am"
jonathan(jason schwartzmann)'s girlfriend breaks up with him and moves out of their apartment b/c he drinks and smokes pot too much
a neighbor says he should try using craigslist...does she want him to get raped to death?
he re-discovers a favorite detective novel and decides to become an unlicensed private detective
ray (zach galifianakis) calls, and he makes jonathan feel worse about the break-up
everybody does not know what falconhood is
jonathan says he is struggling to write a second novel
ray is a comic book artist, and his wife wants him to take a job teaching art at an elementary school
jonathan gets his first case from a woman who thinks her sister lisa has gone missing, and he goes to meet her
he decides to try and find lisa's boyfriend vincent
he then goes to a swanky (hate that word, but it applies here) art gallery party to work for george (ted danson)...gathering quotes or something?
they head to the bathroom to smoke pot together, and george reveals that he uses tons of viagra and smokes pot out of boredom (jonathan seems to act like a therapist to him)
he then heads to the bar vincent works at, where he bribes the bar tender into telling him where vincent is (how noir!)
he checks into vincent's hotel with a fake name (how noir! again!), but falls asleep in the lobby and then finds out the room vince is in
he bursts into vincent's room to find vincent wielding a lighter without pants and lisa tied to the bed
it is revealed that lisa tried to break up with vincent, so he's holding her hostage to give her stockholm syndrome so she stays with him (perfect plan, bro)
jonathan gives him pot to keep him from smoking meth, and then the police knock on the door
jonathan gets taken to the police station and warned to not impersonate an investigator again
ray tells a story about how his wife leah will no longer have sex with him, and he starts crying when she mocks his comics
episode ends after jonathan gets an e-mail from someone saying only that they need help
post-episode reflection: do people in nyc ever just talk to each other, or do they only ever have meetings at coffee shops?  i think there were 3 or 4 different coffee shop meetings just in this episode

Truly, this is writing for the ages.

-Dave