There Will be Easy Mac Blood

I finally finished Fallout 3, and I have to say that it was great. No jokes here, just a great game. Play it if you haven't already. The show yesterday went relatively smoothly; a number of minor crises, but nothing that spiraled out of control. We raised a ton of cans and made some money for the venue and ourselves. Now I'm gonna go find the rest of the bobbleheads and try to do a quick run-through as a good character. Yeah, that's right, I play as evil characters. Deal with it. I'm hungry right now, and there had better be some instant Easy Mac in this house or else there will be problems. Easy Mac sandwich. Ha!

-Dave

Sometimes I Watch the Today Show and Cry

I was up all night and only slept from 1:30-2:30 PM today because I need to force my sleep schedule to become somewhat normal again. Oh yeah, and I also have to get up at 9 tomorrow morning and run an all-day concert which will end at 11 PM (at the earliest), Hopefully everything will run smoothly, but...well, it won't. Is my pessimism showing? I'll be sure to wear my blogging pants next time.

As for my cultural critique of the day: what is wrong with everyone on Today? They ran a story today about post-Christmas depression and interviewed some life coach (scam artist...did I type "scam artist"? What I meant to type was "scam artist"). If you are depressed because Christmas is over, you have invested WAY too much in Christmas. I am exactly the opposite-now that Christmas is over, I couldn't be happier. I've got my stuff, and all of the fragrance commercials are off my television. Did we all smell that bad during the year? Well obviously I did, but all of us? I'm disappointed. Also, who would ever buy perfume from Mariah Crazy? I mean Carey. Crazy.

-Dave

Badwill to All

There will be no top 10 lists on this website this year. You're welcome. Instead, I will simply direct you to the two best videos of the past two days: Zero Punctuation: The Year in Review and the new episode of The Guild. Yeah I know it sucks that The Guild is on MSN, and yes I realize that I'm 83 years old for posting a link to that website. Get ready for our new feature starting tomorrow: sweaters that I've knit for my grandchildren and the hottest new shuffleboard strategies.

Happy holidays if you celebrate them. Did that qualifier ruin the sentiment? I don't look thin enough in red so December sucks.

-Dave

This Night will be Just as Nerdy in Retrospect

So I'm sitting up in my attic with friends over. Blogging. The internet has officially destroyed my social life. The Dark Knight, My Dearest Nephew, the Good Doctor, and Atticus are all up here with me. Half of us are watching Family Guy and the other half are playing Halo 3 online while team killing and trash talking.

Whoever MIKEBALLSKIN is, you are getting called out on this blog for actually explaining your handle to Atticus in a message. Sandwich yourself between a steamroller and a chalkboard (there is something artsy about that, but I'm not sure what exactly. You're just another brick in the wall, apparently). Don't you love how I can insert the word "sandwich" into my internet feuds with strangers? Yeah, we feud it up here. You don't bring a sandwich to an Xbox Live fight. You bring a gun to kill yourself. All the guns to kill all yourself(s?).

-Dave

[TSC] Either Copying a Good Idea or Showing our Clan Pride

That is such a lame gamer joke, but since our audience consists of drug fiends and teenage supermutants. Whoops, I forgot about not mocking the readers. Consider yourselves mocked.

I just watched the newest Robot Chicken and the first few minutes of Superjail, and my opinions of both shows were unchanged: Robot Chicken was really funny, and Superjail wasn't. I can deal with anti-humor, but there's a difference between anti-humor and plain old unfunny (...plus I wasn't on drugs, so...take that as you will).

I don't want to get you all too excited, but it's very likely that we'll be adding at least one new writer to the Collective. Hopefully that'll get the post count up and allow everyone involved to focus on more specific areas of interest. And also everything at the bottom of the internet barrel. You can't have a lean mean blogging machine without some digital barrel scraping.

Scrape it like a Polaroid picture.
My barrel scrapings bring all the boys to the yard.
I kissed a barrel, and I scraped it.

That last one was kind of a stretch, but I've already got my writing scholarship to Best University secured.

-Dave

Day

Sleep
Eye doctor
Shopping
Sleep
Fallout 3
Shopping
Fallout 3
Dance video (Via Everything is Terrible):

Being home is so exciting.

-Dave

Home

SUX! Go suck on a open-wound from some whore named Bell (that's for you, you Twilight freak-holes) if you want to harass my use of verbal lingo! My goodness, since I was let out of school (protect the children!!!), I have done absolutely nothing. If my life could get any more drawn out, I'd turn into Micker Meese or however you children want to pronounce it. To overcome my extreme boredom, I have resorted to playing video games almost around the clock. Though, there is nothing abnormal about this as more than half the families in the United States play/own at least one system and/or game and play more than once a week. The reason why I mention this is because when I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror, I noticed that my eyes are ridiculously blood-shot. Take that stupid James Bond intro, take away the irony and that stupid camera-on-guy-with-gun action, and multiply it by 3 and you get the amount of arteries jetting out of my eyes. I'm attributing this to my playing of video games for 6 solid hours last night before going to bed. Some of you little so-and-so's out there might challenge this by saying I merely didn't get enough sleep. Well, this is what I have to say to you.
^^That's you, a c*nt.
I definitely got enough sleep, I went to bed around 3 am and woke up around 1 pm. Until I am able to find something else to entertain me, or my eyes explode (whichever comes first), I will continue this ritualistic way of life.

-Atticus

More-Famous Friday Security

So this week's video is sort of cheap since, technically, it was posted in October. You know what, though? It got reposted today, and I'm the one with the penkeyboard, so bugger off and enjoy the 7-11 strike that led to the creation of this music video:

Despite what Mr. Obama says, we cannot be a "post-racial" society while videos like this are being created anywhere in the world. We need to declare a war on this (whatever it is). We need to hit fast and let the world know that this type of video terrorism will not be tolerated. The Sandwich Collective-for our Video Security. We get government funding for adding "security" onto the end of that, right? E-mail me for my Swiss bank account number.

My Google Reader Life

The light from the computer monitor burns my pale skin sometimes.

-Dave

Home Bitter Home

Funny thing about my lack of blog posts: it's so totally Raven of me. I know. Since I've been home, I worked on a very serious film project with some friends (which hopefully will be done before the end of the break) and have played some Fallout 3 and Warcraft 3. Piracy is bad blah blah blah.

Missing all the posts that I have is pretty whack, dawg, and it won't keep happening. As a special treat for you all (yeah, all of you), I'll be posting some Google stats about myself tomorrow to demonstrate exactly how big of a loser I am. That ought to attract a few page views.

-Dave

I (do not at all) Love New York

I got an automated call from my girlfriend Amtrak today letting me know that all the trains for tomorrow have already been canceled. Whoops, I didn't want to leave New York anyways. Ignoring the sarcasm, bitterness, and the fact that I died inside, however, I will be sneaking out on a Greyhound bus tomorrow. Hopefully. Oh my god, you guys, do you think it's safe to write that here? Does New York read this blog? Wow, I really hope not. Let's just pretend this post is about the Brackenwood story that's been burning up Newgrounds lately. It was uploaded in November of last year, though, so I'm kind of confused as to why it took so long to garner the #1 all-time spot. All jokes (and sandwiches) aside (do I have to mention sandwiches so often? Yes, I'm being told that I do.), this flash is really beautifully drawn and is scored by a professional score-er.


-Dave

More-Famous Friday

Here's a video entitled "Dream Casserole". I think that dream onion is more to the point. Oh snap, son! You just got sent to food metaphor school like a flaming cheesecake (sandwich)!



-Dave

Hotel CaliforNewYork, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Amtrak

New York: I can check out any time I like, but I can never leave. At least not until Sunday, according to Amtrak. There is a power line down literally on top of the train tracks, as well as some minor flooding. Every train today and tomorrow has already been canceled, and I am not optimistic about Sunday. Everyone in New York needs to eat a sandwich with a gun in it.

That aside, I just slept all day today (after getting up at 4AM for my spiteful train). To leave on a somewhat positive note, I'd like to put up a snippet of conversation between myself and a friend.

Friend: http://media.fukung.net/images/218/wedding_ring.jpg
Dave: Ha!
Dave: Marriage sucks.
Friend: I just don't know how that would happen.
Dave: Dating followed by a wedding at some point.
Friend: Fuck you.

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #10

I'm done with finals and all packed. There's no punchline there. Except for your face. That is always funny.

-Dave

In Another Universe, it Was a Brownie

I just have one more final left, and that's tomorrow morning at 8am. YUS! Quite frankly, I think I might murder someone with an axe if I hear about functional groups any more. Like John Malkovich in Burn After Reading. You will be murdered with an axe. You'll be like "Hey Dave, wanna hear about aldehydes *snicker*." And I'll be all, "Hey, let me axe you a question *sound of axe crushing your face*." Bigotry and murder. I feel like I need an American flag in this post now. Here we go:

And yeah, I do have a spiked axe with a bomb on it. Do I have a license for it? Yeah. My fists are the license, sheriff (you have been promoted to sheriff? Great for you.)

Other than that, I just have a short anecdote to relay unto ye chosen ones. I went to grab a brownie as I was leaving a dining hall after dinner, but then when I bit into it outside I realized that it was a small piece of cake. I was walking around with cake. Its good taste more than made up for my apparent lack of visual textural recognition. I'm a scientist, so I can say things like "visual textural recognition".

-Dave

How Much Would a Tattoo of the Word "Shutup" Cost?

Sometimes in the blogging industry, you get the chance to break a hard-hitting story about corruption in the big city and can help to reform the system of checks and balances upon which our great country was founded. Today is the day that The Sandwich Collective will rise to the challenge, my friends (I'm Senator John McCain). I have only one question for the so-called "Democrats": what is that on Caroline Kennedy's arm? Eww. Via NY Daily News:

What's that on Caroline Kennedy's arm?! Kennedy, who's been mentioned to fill Hillary Clinton's soon-to-be-vacant senatorial seat, seems to have been sporting a mark, shown above at the Democratic National Convention in August, on her right arm. While Kennedy's body mark may be a mystery, check out other famous faces who flaunt some serious body art.

The image in question?


First of all, I need to very quickly go over the official response to these allegations on behalf of everyone here at The Sandwich collective: eww! That being said, it is not a tattoo. Who gets tattoos there? Nobody. Exactly. Besides that, just look at it (it might be hard, I know, but try glancing or using averted vision). It's just an old lady blob, nothing more. Having looked through the slideshow of nobody cares tattoos, I have come to the conclusion that this story was only posted to show the picture of Angelina Jolie's naked back from Wanted. Put it away, hon, nobody cares. Well, at least I don't care. Regardless, put it away.

Shame on the NY Daily News for running such a dumb story.

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #9

-Dave

This is Now Called the Outdated Movie Review Collective

Yes, I watched another movie today that is slightly old: Hamlet 2. Deal with it, I don't care, y'all don't even know me like dat. The point is this: it is the funniest movie of the year, bar none. I see now that those geniuses of cinematic criticism over at About.com even recognized its excellence, but didn't really order their picks. Let me just tidy up their list for them (excluding the 4 movies on the list which I did not see):
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
5. Tropic Thunder
4. Role Models
3. Pineapple Express
2. Step Brothers
1. Hamlet 2

2008 was a really good year for one-off comedies, it seems. My list would also include Burn After Reading, which I thought was surprisingly good at providing justification for Bradd Pitt's existence. I gladly await the hate mail from the "OmGWTfrjutalking abiout? he has such hawt abbs and is soi sxey i wnat to marry him fro his wahsbroad abs!!!!11!" crowd of housewives. They browse the blogosphere, trust me.

Aside from that, I've been studying for finals. And studying. And studying. Tomorrow is another study day, and then Wednesday and Thursday are my tests. After that I've got a whole month of freedom to devote to you all. Yeah right, like I'd waste my time with you fart sandwiches (trademark). I'll end this post with my favorite quotes from Hamlet 2:
"I feel like I've been raped...in the face."

"You're a liar! Everybody has rain gutters!" (probably requires context)

"We can't have intermission now, the fire department is trying to evacuate the building."

"You're gonna have a magical life because, wherever you go, it will be better than Tucson." (probably true, although the few times I've been there it seemed nice...ish)

Whoops, I mean piracy is bad.

-Dave

Thanks for the YouTube, now Get Back in the Shed

The retard shed. Right now I'm watching The Bridge on the Youtubs (Part 1 of 10 here). Is it pretentious and a bit over the top? Check. Is it probably insensitive the the victims' families? Check. Do all of the interviews with the victims' families make them seem like morons? Check. Hilarious comments? Check. From Part 5:

damn that cop was a fat ass

AND now she is in a suicide pact with her friends...:( lmao

Uh, are you allowed to do a frowny emoticon and then type "lmao"? I'm almost certain that you can go to keyboard jail for that if the keyboard police catch you. (Keyboard) Anarchy in the YouTube! Sid Vicious would be proud, except that he's dead. Not from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, though. Don't worry, this whole post isn't just about my new spinoff blog The Suicidewich Collective.

Is the focus of this video the Dramatic Hamster parody, or the Thousand Island? Besides, Thousand Island dressing sucks.

Another unsolved mystery.

In other news, I watched Saw V and Burn After Reading online. Everyone involved with Saw V should be ashamed. I feel like I've dishonored my family by even talking about it. Burn After Reading was hilarious, and I highly recommend it. Whoops, I mean piracy is bad.

-Dave

Around the Teenagers, a Perimeter Create

This post is such a hodgepodge.
Atticus: I’m supposing Robin Williams has used once or twice in his ridiculous oral tangents.
Dave: Oral.
Atticus: Yes, through his mouth as he talks.
Dave: I'm 14, so oral means sex
Atticus: You wish you were.
Dave: My mind is.
Dave: And I'm eternally 14 in my LiveJournal fan-fiction.
Dave: That's really all that matters to me at this point. That's all I have to live for.
Atticus: That and the massive amounts of dark internet corners that you tend to stumble upon.
Dave: No comment.

A message from your future daughter:


As soon as she gets over that sinus infection, she is gonna pull some major Mean Girls life destruction type stuff.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Day of Reckoning

That's what my biopic will probably be called. My life is so extreme that everyday is a day of reckoning.

Anyhow, this week's video that needs to be more famous is exactly my style of humor. I saw it Thursday, and I immediately knew that it would be up here today. Dreams can come true (when you have a blog) Via Videogum:


-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #8

-Dave

Fetal Pigs Galore!!!

So for one of my finals, I had to identify the internal organs a fetal pig. So you think "hey, that's not too bad. I had to dissect X animal here and Y animal there," but this is different. The pigs we used looked like they were beat up by a wandering gang of Tom Brokaws. There were multiple colored bruises everywhere on those pigs. They looked like what I imagine Rosie O'Donnell looks like after wrestling with a whale to eat it and in the process having sex with it. That's right people, she looks like Donald Trump!


TURNS INTO THIS



Once mortal enemies are now one in the same. Who knew?

-Atticus

Cognitive Diss-Bo-nance

And I should hate Bo Burnham too, but I just can't. I shouldn't find his songs funny at all, but I do. Ah! Cognitive dissonance caused by the Youtubs! Fine, just watch the video and get away from me.

Oh, at least I can say that I hate his ironic t-shirt. I'm sure his success felt the sting from that.

Calculus final and a Physics test tomorrow. Whoops, I'm gonna go study so I don't get killed out of college. No, that wasn't a typo. I fear for my life.

-Dave

The Jackson Pollock of Rap and Fishing

In today's Victory! News, a Google search for the word vomedy produces my post from yesterday as the 5th result. Granted, it only produces 1570 results total, but still. Still. Let's see your blog get there.

The other thing which I felt warranted this extra post in the middle of the day was the following picture of rap artist Ghostface Killah:


From the shape of the bag on the far left, it appears to be implying that he has marijuana in large amounts. But then it looks like he is in the middle of stuffing that fish with chocolate bars. Either the drug trade is much more intricate than I had previously imagined, or Ghostface Killah is the Jackson Pollock of rap music. And fishing. What is happening in that picture? What is that crap on the shelves behind Mr. Ghostface (Mr. Killah?)? Why does he look angry at me for watching him stuff that fish with a chocolate bar?

This is too art for me.

-Dave

Stand-Up Vomedy

It's like stand-up comedy, but with vomiting. Because I'm sick. It was kind of funny how melodramatic everyone at the office was about it (I could see the estrogen discharge as their motherly instincts kicked in). Basically, I just left the room and threw up in a toilet in the bathroom. No biggie. If anorexic people can do it all the time, I should get one freebie. But no. They called an ambulance and Public Safety. Neither seemed particularly happy to see me, and I don't blame them. After filling out some forms saying I wouldn't sue the school, they dropped me off at my dorm. I went to class 15 minutes later.

While I didn't feel nauseous for the rest of the day, I have just felt really weak (because normally I'm so strong, right? Right?) and have a headache. Oh well. I got some sleep this afternoon and passed my time by drinking juice and watching The Royal Tenenbaums.

Oh, and FYI, I realized today how much of a pinko commie fag liberal I am when I found myself enjoying some orange-guava-passionfruit juice. I don't know what guava or passionfruit are, but my oh my do they taste good.

I need to stop being sick asap, because it really does not fit into my schedule for this week.

The Funny Titles are in my Other Bag

So tired so tired so tired so tired. I'm so tired right now, so this post needs to be quick.

Someone said "bastardize" in one of my classes today.

-Dave