I Want to Open a Condom Factory

You guys, I hate children. I just got back from the observatory, and there was a family there who brought their 5 kids with them, none of which could have been older than 10. There was much screaming and pushing, as well as a prematurely ended fist fight between two of the youngins.

As for myself and the two guys running the telescope, we mostly talked about how we never wanted to have children. As a great man once said, "Little children need to GTFO my science."

I have such a bad headache right now that I don't even feel like finding a picture of a stupid little kid falling over to laugh at. Yeah, it's that bad of a headache.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Yeah, It's That Group

You know the type. It's that group that consists of way too many mildly musically talented people to not make up an awkward song about whatever the project was supposed to be.



If that didn't make you cringe and laugh aloud, then we do not share the same sense of humor and you should get out of my internets now.

-Dave

This Fish is Ruining my Life

After watching this video and thinking that it must be a fake, I did a little bit of research on it:


Then I found out that this fish really looks like that. OMFG. Where is the Chief when you need someone to smother you to death with a pillow after being lobotomized by this crazy fish? Literary references, I can has them.

-Dave

Michael Cera is So Cute Sometimes...

First of all, a big nullus on that title. Second, Michael Cera has finally announced that he will do the Arrested Development movie (...once it has a script).

According to E! Online:

Inside sources close to the negotiations of the upcoming Arrested Development movie tell me that Superbad and Juno star (and before that, hello, George-Michael Bluth!) Michael Cera has finally agreed to do the feature film project.

Excellent.

Dear Michael Cera,


-Dave

Extreme Things Never get Old

If there's one thing that sucks about being alive, it's being faced with your own mortality. Luckily for us fragile creatures, our extreme advertisements will outlive us. This video has been burning up the tubes since it was uploaded yesterday, and with good reason: it helps people to confront the psychological terror they experience when reminded of their own imminent deaths. Oh, and it's mildly amusing and somewhat clever too. But mostly the deep stuff.



I'm deep like that, ladies.

-Dave

I am in Seventh Grade and I don't Care

Since the Oscars apparently happened (whoops, I forgot about watching that stupid awards show for movies I mostly didn't see), I thought it would be necessary to write about them. Basically, Heath Ledger won. Oh, and the nominees for best picture all seem like comedies when someone on YouTube splices together all of the swearing parts.



-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #10: The Chains have been Cast Off

The chains of doing a series of 1-sentence captions for a blog. My goodness, there are a lot of chains on the floor of this blog. Someone should really clean up around here.



"Turns out Papa Bear was retarded."
-Alex

"What do you get when you cross a beaver with a bear? Something Dr. Weird most likely made."
-Atticus

"Gather 'round, children. The Elder Bear Longneck would like to pass on a bit of ancient lore. But first he has to do his elder moan."
-Dave

-Dave

Get off My Lawn

The following conversation with my sister made me realize just how out of touch I am with the youth of today. Not that that's a bad thing, considering that most young kids these days are spastic morons.

Dave: So what've you been up to?
Robosister: Sleepin, chillin.
Dave: Sounds interesting.
Robosister: You knowwww.
Robosister: I'm so paid
Dave: What do you get paid for?
Robosister: I'm so paid, playa.
Dave: For what?
Robosister: Haaa. It's a song.

-Dave

Sometimes Local News Teams Write for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

What should you do if your girlfriend broke up with you? Shoot her in the head, of course. What should you do if your girlfriend's weave is the Terminator? If you get caught shooting the Terminator weave, you don't go to White Collar Resort prison. No no no, you're going to Federal PMITA prison.



Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.

Okay, that "unbeweavable" joke will do.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of our Attempt at Shock Therapy series.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Suck, it Tarantino Haters

So, as you may or may not know, I really like the movie Pulp Fiction. It's actually the only movie I have ever bought for myself rather than as a gift for someone else. And it's on VHS, totally collectible.

Now, I know we've all seen the breakfast scene. If you need a quick refresher course (Directors with Weird Faces 101), it's available in full on YouTube. Holy crap, Samuel L. Jackson was cool in this movie.

Anyways, someone remade this scene (I wish I knew how) to make it a bit more...corporate. Methinks that maybe Big Kahuna Burger was cutting into someone's market share. Just watch:



To be honest, internet, I'm pretty disappointed in you. This video was uploaded in 2006 and it still only has about 12,000 views. That needs to change now.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #9: So Close to Being Done

"Oh my. Well Timmy, it appears that we are going to have to operate on your brain immediately."
-Atticus

“As she gazed at the little boy's messed up teeth, Doctor Erykah Badu realized that the phrase 'kill whitey' had never before sounded quite so sweet when spoken aloud.”
-Dave

I guess this can now be heralded as the age of the interactive caption. Click it or ticket, as they say. Trust me, they do say that.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #8

I think Svava is working on some stuff that's blog-related. Hopefully.



"Robert is seen here, feeding his pigs acid."
-Alex

"When Charlotte died, Wilbur started to stray from the group. Needless to say, the drugs aren't doing him any good."
-Atticus

“Dur Dur Pig's Journal: Hunger Strike, Day 3. I think I know who has been eating my portion since the beginning of this hunger strike.”
-Dave

I can't wait to show you the video for tomorrow. It's a goodie.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #7

"Robert mentally prepares himself for what he's going to do in tomorrow's caption"
-Alex

"My wife isn't going to like what Edwardo gave me..."
-Atticus

"One day, the perfect pen name popped into his head. 'Laura Ingalls Wilder,' he thought to himself. 'One day the whole world will know of Laura Ingalls Wilder.'"
-Dave

-Dave

Dropping the Ball, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Guild

So tonight's lapse in the Attempt at Shock Therapy series is partly my fault, although only partly. Atticus sent me his caption, but I logged off AIM before writing it down(sorry, is that too technical for you all? Here in Blogland we're all computer experts, so it's hard to avoid the lingo that comes with the job. Because this is a job.). Oh, and Svava is just lame.

To atone for this gravest of sins, I hereby forfeit my right to not link you to the last episode of Season 2 of The Guild.

I have to say, this was a pretty good season up until the end of this episode. Lots of plot arcs are resolved quickly and in realistic and hilarious (realarious, as we say here) ways. Then there was the ghost running at the end. No! Bad web-series! Oh, and the bloopers from Season 2 are here. I'll be awaiting Season 3.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #6: How Many can we do Before Svava Notices?

Now it's a challenge. Assume that I'm posting this in a nonchalant manner. You know how people blog un-nonchalantly? Yeah, this is the opposite of that.



"The white, lamb loving Urkel didn't seem to catch on as well"
-Alex

“Behold, I hold in my overly-large hands the chupacabra! If bitten, you will turn into me!"
-Atticus

“The battle was long and arduous, but eventually the warrior returned with the corpse of the asymmetric-faced lamb that had paralyzed the village with terror.”
-Dave

-Dave

Keenan Makes Funny Faces

In a startling departure from his earlier work on SNL, Keenan Thompson had a hilarious sketch on SNL. The rest of the sketch is alright, but really the only 3 parts you need to watch are the ladies speaking to Keenan (via Videogum).



-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #5: I Begin to Wonder if This is all in Vain

As Aus-Rotten once sang, "No change, no Svava, we're lost". Wait, was that how it went? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.



"The boy questioned himself, could he believe in the heart of the cards, or should he continue writing his essay?"
-Alex

"How did this pencil get stuck in my head? Hmm..."
-Atticus

"James immediately wondered if his investment in novelty Riddler lamps would pay off."
-Dave

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #4: Everybody Hates Svava

Apparently she's the only one of us who has a life.


"look at that hat, why does he have that hat? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE DOING?"
-Alex

"Wow, I'm sweating worse than Oprah Winfrey does around a pack of maple syrup-soaked hot dog buns!"
-Atticus

"Ralph polishes his hat with lemonade for that lemony fresh scent."
-Dave

Yeah....

Sorry I skipped last week's post, I wasn't able to find any good news articles to critique, nor did I feel like posting to begin with. But since Dave is being anal retentive about us keeping up regular posts, here I am writing my pathetic post of the week. First off, I still can't find any relatively funny news articles to destroy verbally. So, instead I shall rant about my life.
I am currently "boysitting" my friend's younger brother. Everyone who writes and most people who read this blog know exactly who "the boy" is, so feel free to harass him. Please do it and then tell me about it so I can harass him as well. If I remember, I'll mark down main notes of our conversation and I'll post it here...maybe...probably not...but its always a good thing to think about doing.
I had to make dinner tonight, and needless to say, it kicked ass. Again, at least 2 of the 4 or 5 writers of this blog are vegetarians, so my dinner will not appeal to them, but for the rest of you losers, I made bbq chicken and white rice. Even the boy enjoyed the meal, so I know that it wasn't a complete failure. (Insert Dave being a smart-ass comment right here.) But I am decently tired for some odd reason, so I believe I will end the rant for tonight and go to bed. Oh, but before I forget, those of you who are interested (0 out of everyone who reads this willingly) in knowing how my "Greasy Lake" essay turned out, I got a 95%. I'm pretty happy with that score considering my professor is a complete social reject. Good news is he had a miserable Friday the 13th. Cheers all around!

-Atticus

More-Famous Friday: Wicky Wicky Shutup, Will

Let me just say this: don't bother watching this video before 3:25, it's just that horrible promo song that Will Smith did for Wild Wild West (admittedly, one of the greatest pieces of American cinema of all time). After that, it's gets a whole lot mashupier. Then turn it off after 5:00.


That was awesome except for the parts which were mostly Will Smith, surprise. Why can't we invest in these mashup stocks rather than the AMV mutual funds which have ruined this economy? Isn't that economics?

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #3: Straight to the Point

"Bitches don't know 'bout my rubber concrete skillz"
-Alex

"Brush glue: good for pasting crap to other crap and doubles a moisturizer."
-Atticus

"Unibrow monster is displeased with your handling of the glue-now you will suffer de-pixelization!"
-Dave

"Helen Keller was never really a big fan of scrap-booking."
-Svava

I blame society.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #2: The Chain is Broken

Apparently consecutively posts on this blog are the Highlander, and there can only be one. I read that in a book.

The picture:


"I am old and I can't hear well."
-Alex

"Don't be fooled by the innocent-granny look; she is so high on drugs that she is both deaf and blind... and part mummy."
-Atticus

"I can hardly hear over the sound of how strangely this room is lit!"
-Dave

-Dave

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Sometimes I Wonder how I Miss Things

So this afternoon I was looking at Tim and Eric sketches on YouTube, as I often do, and I stumbled across this gem which I have never seen (even though it was uploaded back in October 2008-how did people live back then?):


One of the most amusing things about Tim and Eric is that there are always people who don't understand the humor, especially on the veritable genius buffet that is YouTube (all you can eat, am I right?). To my total lack of surprise, username
xxxragexxx40965 (isn't that a Greek philosopher?) posted the following:

"this is a real commercial not tim and eric charter is real and i think tim and eric is pretty much dumb"

Indeed, Tim and Eric were hired by Charter to make a five and a half minute long commercial. For Charter. And Charter bought this weird commercial. And Tim and Eric is maybe dumb (as well as a single being with 2 names and bodies), but so is a complete lack of capitalization or punctuation.

-Dave

An Attempt at Shock Therapy #1

Dear comrades,
As you may have noticed, some of the authors have had problems keeping a regular posting schedule. To that end, I'm initiating 10 days' worth of shock therapy starting now. Each day we will post an image and our four captions of that image. Oh yeah, and remember when I said my posts were gonna get a little watered down because of tests? Yeah, this is that also.



"For a much more pleasant name, they decided to rename crack babies to 'plaid babies', no one will ever be able to tell the difference."
-Alex

"I cry not because I need something, rather I cry to piss you off."
-Atticus

“Note to self: the holographic Rubik’s Cube mobile seems to upset the beast.”
-Dave

“It looks like a partial-birth abortion that didn't work.”
-Svava

-Dave

P.S.-The image quality seems to have improved after I reposted it. The original can be found here.

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Svava Potter and the Order of the Palin

She made a reference and I completely missed it within our discussion of the War of the Worlds incident. Despite being at my expense, I feel the need to post my reaction, confusion, and eventual realization in the following conversation:

Dave: So I just got back from the second training class to be a DJ on the campus radio.
Dave: And they have a specific policy against saying anything on air about fake natural disasters.
Dave: *They being the FCC.
Svava: Because of War of the Worlds?
Svava: I'm guessing.
Dave: You betcha.
Svava: Ok Sarah.
Dave: ?
Dave: Now I'm having an identity crisis
Svava: Sarah Palin
Dave: I'm not seeing the connection.
Dave: But there is one important thing to point out:
Dave: If I had said "now i'm having an identity crisis" out loud
Dave: and you had only heard the last part
Dave: it would've sounded like "blah blah blah titty crisis".
Dave: But what does Sarah Palin have to do with War of the Worlds?
Svava: "You betcha".
Dave: Oh.

I roolz.

-Dave

Test are Excuses

I have two tests this week and one next week, so I apologize in advance if my posts get a little more watered down.

That aside, we need to talk about me being a DJ on campus radio. I'll be going to two of the training classes this week in order to pass the test, and then I have to go to two (too-this is the internet, after all) meetings and shadow a DJ four times. That should be easy enough if they ever tell me when/where to take the tests and what DJ's I can shadow (note: this will surely be full of awkwardness). I imagine that some funny stuff will probably happen while I'm there, and of course this blog will have exclusive access to those juicy details of my life (I have to put my detail juice here since my LiveJournal is dedicated solely to keeping up with my friends who are all 14 year old girls like myself, omg those shoes are sooooo cute!). Oh, and according to this picture I also have red hair now.

It will probably also be annoying in some way.

-Dave

We Adults Need Some Time Alone on the Interwebs

Kids are too stupid to realize that someone will destroy them with footage like this later on in their lives. I'm glad to help teach this valuable lesson.



-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Overdub of a Classic

Ever since I posted about that Billy Mays overdub last Thursday, I've been on a quest to find an overdub that was hilarious and yet unappreciated by most of the internet. Tonight I bring you the fruits of that labor (watching YouTube overdubs is labor and also Karl Marx is spinning so fast in his grave that it's kicking up dirt-probably unrelated, though). Does everyone remember a long long time ago when that clip from Troll 2 first went viral? I think it was right before World War II. Or maybe a movie about World War II. Or your face.

The point is, I found an overdub of it that is hilarious and only has about 40,000 views. That is not nearly enough for this much hilarity. You can't bury hilarity! This blog won't allow it!


-Dave

Kath and Kim is Still Funny

I've read a lot of negative reviews about this show, but it still makes me laugh. I haven't watched any of it since way back before winter break when my travel plans were screwed and then were superscrewed (yeah, the screwed was exposed to gamma rays-you won't like the screwed when it's angry). I was poking around Releaselog during work this morning and saw that someone already uploaded episode 12 in HD from yesterday. I got caught up with 10 and 11 online (they premiered in January, you know how I like to stay current with things) and then downloadedbought episode 12, "Idol".

The premise of the episode is that Kath and Kim are both obsessed with Wynonna Judd and try to get her to come to their house. It's quite convenient that their mutual obsession was not mentioned at any point before this episode so as to dispel any rumors about the series being ill-prepared and having no real direction. Yeah, I totally called them on that plot hole. This series is like 10 wtf moments away from being the Lost of sitcoms. Or is Lost, in a surprise twist, supposed to be funny? All I know is that there's a fat guy on that show, so it's probably funny.

No hyperbolic arcsin until tomorrow.

-Dave

Out of Context

Dave: when would you ever need to talk about .002 bison?
Dave: or pi campfires?

Sorry for the short posts, I've just not been getting enough sleep lately. I promise that I'll have a full-length post about the hyperbolic arcsin function up tomorrow, though. Definitely don't wanna miss that. Oh yeah, and the MFF video. Whatevs.

-Dave

Charlie and the Chocolate End of the World

No, not that Charlie.



Yes, of course it's Woody Harrelson doing a viral marketing campaign for his new movie. It's still funny to mock people stupid enough to believe that the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world. Of course it couldn't just be a flawed calendar. Nope.

-Dave

The Internet Without Porn

How about those pesky women, huh felluhs? Always spendin' our dough. Probably so they could try to get out of baking us pies. Yeah, puns existed way back when.

-Dave

Never Trust a Sandwich

Today's Penny Arcade was too good to resist.


-Dave

My Thoughts on Super Lol 43

In honor of the Super Bowl (more like Super Blows, am I right?), I dug up this Mitchell & Webb Look clip addressing something which has always bothered me about the language regarding sports events.

Perhaps it's the psychological need to feel involved in a successful team effort in an attempt to make up for the lack of fulfillment in our daily post-modern post-industrialist lives. Or maybe it's because of your mom. Yeah, I know, I'm pretty high brow.

-Dave