There Will be Easy Mac Blood

I finally finished Fallout 3, and I have to say that it was great. No jokes here, just a great game. Play it if you haven't already. The show yesterday went relatively smoothly; a number of minor crises, but nothing that spiraled out of control. We raised a ton of cans and made some money for the venue and ourselves. Now I'm gonna go find the rest of the bobbleheads and try to do a quick run-through as a good character. Yeah, that's right, I play as evil characters. Deal with it. I'm hungry right now, and there had better be some instant Easy Mac in this house or else there will be problems. Easy Mac sandwich. Ha!

-Dave

Sometimes I Watch the Today Show and Cry

I was up all night and only slept from 1:30-2:30 PM today because I need to force my sleep schedule to become somewhat normal again. Oh yeah, and I also have to get up at 9 tomorrow morning and run an all-day concert which will end at 11 PM (at the earliest), Hopefully everything will run smoothly, but...well, it won't. Is my pessimism showing? I'll be sure to wear my blogging pants next time.

As for my cultural critique of the day: what is wrong with everyone on Today? They ran a story today about post-Christmas depression and interviewed some life coach (scam artist...did I type "scam artist"? What I meant to type was "scam artist"). If you are depressed because Christmas is over, you have invested WAY too much in Christmas. I am exactly the opposite-now that Christmas is over, I couldn't be happier. I've got my stuff, and all of the fragrance commercials are off my television. Did we all smell that bad during the year? Well obviously I did, but all of us? I'm disappointed. Also, who would ever buy perfume from Mariah Crazy? I mean Carey. Crazy.

-Dave

Badwill to All

There will be no top 10 lists on this website this year. You're welcome. Instead, I will simply direct you to the two best videos of the past two days: Zero Punctuation: The Year in Review and the new episode of The Guild. Yeah I know it sucks that The Guild is on MSN, and yes I realize that I'm 83 years old for posting a link to that website. Get ready for our new feature starting tomorrow: sweaters that I've knit for my grandchildren and the hottest new shuffleboard strategies.

Happy holidays if you celebrate them. Did that qualifier ruin the sentiment? I don't look thin enough in red so December sucks.

-Dave

This Night will be Just as Nerdy in Retrospect

So I'm sitting up in my attic with friends over. Blogging. The internet has officially destroyed my social life. The Dark Knight, My Dearest Nephew, the Good Doctor, and Atticus are all up here with me. Half of us are watching Family Guy and the other half are playing Halo 3 online while team killing and trash talking.

Whoever MIKEBALLSKIN is, you are getting called out on this blog for actually explaining your handle to Atticus in a message. Sandwich yourself between a steamroller and a chalkboard (there is something artsy about that, but I'm not sure what exactly. You're just another brick in the wall, apparently). Don't you love how I can insert the word "sandwich" into my internet feuds with strangers? Yeah, we feud it up here. You don't bring a sandwich to an Xbox Live fight. You bring a gun to kill yourself. All the guns to kill all yourself(s?).

-Dave

[TSC] Either Copying a Good Idea or Showing our Clan Pride

That is such a lame gamer joke, but since our audience consists of drug fiends and teenage supermutants. Whoops, I forgot about not mocking the readers. Consider yourselves mocked.

I just watched the newest Robot Chicken and the first few minutes of Superjail, and my opinions of both shows were unchanged: Robot Chicken was really funny, and Superjail wasn't. I can deal with anti-humor, but there's a difference between anti-humor and plain old unfunny (...plus I wasn't on drugs, so...take that as you will).

I don't want to get you all too excited, but it's very likely that we'll be adding at least one new writer to the Collective. Hopefully that'll get the post count up and allow everyone involved to focus on more specific areas of interest. And also everything at the bottom of the internet barrel. You can't have a lean mean blogging machine without some digital barrel scraping.

Scrape it like a Polaroid picture.
My barrel scrapings bring all the boys to the yard.
I kissed a barrel, and I scraped it.

That last one was kind of a stretch, but I've already got my writing scholarship to Best University secured.

-Dave

Day

Sleep
Eye doctor
Shopping
Sleep
Fallout 3
Shopping
Fallout 3
Dance video (Via Everything is Terrible):

Being home is so exciting.

-Dave

Home

SUX! Go suck on a open-wound from some whore named Bell (that's for you, you Twilight freak-holes) if you want to harass my use of verbal lingo! My goodness, since I was let out of school (protect the children!!!), I have done absolutely nothing. If my life could get any more drawn out, I'd turn into Micker Meese or however you children want to pronounce it. To overcome my extreme boredom, I have resorted to playing video games almost around the clock. Though, there is nothing abnormal about this as more than half the families in the United States play/own at least one system and/or game and play more than once a week. The reason why I mention this is because when I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror, I noticed that my eyes are ridiculously blood-shot. Take that stupid James Bond intro, take away the irony and that stupid camera-on-guy-with-gun action, and multiply it by 3 and you get the amount of arteries jetting out of my eyes. I'm attributing this to my playing of video games for 6 solid hours last night before going to bed. Some of you little so-and-so's out there might challenge this by saying I merely didn't get enough sleep. Well, this is what I have to say to you.
^^That's you, a c*nt.
I definitely got enough sleep, I went to bed around 3 am and woke up around 1 pm. Until I am able to find something else to entertain me, or my eyes explode (whichever comes first), I will continue this ritualistic way of life.

-Atticus

More-Famous Friday Security

So this week's video is sort of cheap since, technically, it was posted in October. You know what, though? It got reposted today, and I'm the one with the penkeyboard, so bugger off and enjoy the 7-11 strike that led to the creation of this music video:

Despite what Mr. Obama says, we cannot be a "post-racial" society while videos like this are being created anywhere in the world. We need to declare a war on this (whatever it is). We need to hit fast and let the world know that this type of video terrorism will not be tolerated. The Sandwich Collective-for our Video Security. We get government funding for adding "security" onto the end of that, right? E-mail me for my Swiss bank account number.

My Google Reader Life

The light from the computer monitor burns my pale skin sometimes.

-Dave

Home Bitter Home

Funny thing about my lack of blog posts: it's so totally Raven of me. I know. Since I've been home, I worked on a very serious film project with some friends (which hopefully will be done before the end of the break) and have played some Fallout 3 and Warcraft 3. Piracy is bad blah blah blah.

Missing all the posts that I have is pretty whack, dawg, and it won't keep happening. As a special treat for you all (yeah, all of you), I'll be posting some Google stats about myself tomorrow to demonstrate exactly how big of a loser I am. That ought to attract a few page views.

-Dave

I (do not at all) Love New York

I got an automated call from my girlfriend Amtrak today letting me know that all the trains for tomorrow have already been canceled. Whoops, I didn't want to leave New York anyways. Ignoring the sarcasm, bitterness, and the fact that I died inside, however, I will be sneaking out on a Greyhound bus tomorrow. Hopefully. Oh my god, you guys, do you think it's safe to write that here? Does New York read this blog? Wow, I really hope not. Let's just pretend this post is about the Brackenwood story that's been burning up Newgrounds lately. It was uploaded in November of last year, though, so I'm kind of confused as to why it took so long to garner the #1 all-time spot. All jokes (and sandwiches) aside (do I have to mention sandwiches so often? Yes, I'm being told that I do.), this flash is really beautifully drawn and is scored by a professional score-er.


-Dave

More-Famous Friday

Here's a video entitled "Dream Casserole". I think that dream onion is more to the point. Oh snap, son! You just got sent to food metaphor school like a flaming cheesecake (sandwich)!



-Dave

Hotel CaliforNewYork, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Amtrak

New York: I can check out any time I like, but I can never leave. At least not until Sunday, according to Amtrak. There is a power line down literally on top of the train tracks, as well as some minor flooding. Every train today and tomorrow has already been canceled, and I am not optimistic about Sunday. Everyone in New York needs to eat a sandwich with a gun in it.

That aside, I just slept all day today (after getting up at 4AM for my spiteful train). To leave on a somewhat positive note, I'd like to put up a snippet of conversation between myself and a friend.

Friend: http://media.fukung.net/images/218/wedding_ring.jpg
Dave: Ha!
Dave: Marriage sucks.
Friend: I just don't know how that would happen.
Dave: Dating followed by a wedding at some point.
Friend: Fuck you.

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #10

I'm done with finals and all packed. There's no punchline there. Except for your face. That is always funny.

-Dave

In Another Universe, it Was a Brownie

I just have one more final left, and that's tomorrow morning at 8am. YUS! Quite frankly, I think I might murder someone with an axe if I hear about functional groups any more. Like John Malkovich in Burn After Reading. You will be murdered with an axe. You'll be like "Hey Dave, wanna hear about aldehydes *snicker*." And I'll be all, "Hey, let me axe you a question *sound of axe crushing your face*." Bigotry and murder. I feel like I need an American flag in this post now. Here we go:

And yeah, I do have a spiked axe with a bomb on it. Do I have a license for it? Yeah. My fists are the license, sheriff (you have been promoted to sheriff? Great for you.)

Other than that, I just have a short anecdote to relay unto ye chosen ones. I went to grab a brownie as I was leaving a dining hall after dinner, but then when I bit into it outside I realized that it was a small piece of cake. I was walking around with cake. Its good taste more than made up for my apparent lack of visual textural recognition. I'm a scientist, so I can say things like "visual textural recognition".

-Dave

How Much Would a Tattoo of the Word "Shutup" Cost?

Sometimes in the blogging industry, you get the chance to break a hard-hitting story about corruption in the big city and can help to reform the system of checks and balances upon which our great country was founded. Today is the day that The Sandwich Collective will rise to the challenge, my friends (I'm Senator John McCain). I have only one question for the so-called "Democrats": what is that on Caroline Kennedy's arm? Eww. Via NY Daily News:

What's that on Caroline Kennedy's arm?! Kennedy, who's been mentioned to fill Hillary Clinton's soon-to-be-vacant senatorial seat, seems to have been sporting a mark, shown above at the Democratic National Convention in August, on her right arm. While Kennedy's body mark may be a mystery, check out other famous faces who flaunt some serious body art.

The image in question?


First of all, I need to very quickly go over the official response to these allegations on behalf of everyone here at The Sandwich collective: eww! That being said, it is not a tattoo. Who gets tattoos there? Nobody. Exactly. Besides that, just look at it (it might be hard, I know, but try glancing or using averted vision). It's just an old lady blob, nothing more. Having looked through the slideshow of nobody cares tattoos, I have come to the conclusion that this story was only posted to show the picture of Angelina Jolie's naked back from Wanted. Put it away, hon, nobody cares. Well, at least I don't care. Regardless, put it away.

Shame on the NY Daily News for running such a dumb story.

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #9

-Dave

This is Now Called the Outdated Movie Review Collective

Yes, I watched another movie today that is slightly old: Hamlet 2. Deal with it, I don't care, y'all don't even know me like dat. The point is this: it is the funniest movie of the year, bar none. I see now that those geniuses of cinematic criticism over at About.com even recognized its excellence, but didn't really order their picks. Let me just tidy up their list for them (excluding the 4 movies on the list which I did not see):
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
5. Tropic Thunder
4. Role Models
3. Pineapple Express
2. Step Brothers
1. Hamlet 2

2008 was a really good year for one-off comedies, it seems. My list would also include Burn After Reading, which I thought was surprisingly good at providing justification for Bradd Pitt's existence. I gladly await the hate mail from the "OmGWTfrjutalking abiout? he has such hawt abbs and is soi sxey i wnat to marry him fro his wahsbroad abs!!!!11!" crowd of housewives. They browse the blogosphere, trust me.

Aside from that, I've been studying for finals. And studying. And studying. Tomorrow is another study day, and then Wednesday and Thursday are my tests. After that I've got a whole month of freedom to devote to you all. Yeah right, like I'd waste my time with you fart sandwiches (trademark). I'll end this post with my favorite quotes from Hamlet 2:
"I feel like I've been raped...in the face."

"You're a liar! Everybody has rain gutters!" (probably requires context)

"We can't have intermission now, the fire department is trying to evacuate the building."

"You're gonna have a magical life because, wherever you go, it will be better than Tucson." (probably true, although the few times I've been there it seemed nice...ish)

Whoops, I mean piracy is bad.

-Dave

Thanks for the YouTube, now Get Back in the Shed

The retard shed. Right now I'm watching The Bridge on the Youtubs (Part 1 of 10 here). Is it pretentious and a bit over the top? Check. Is it probably insensitive the the victims' families? Check. Do all of the interviews with the victims' families make them seem like morons? Check. Hilarious comments? Check. From Part 5:

damn that cop was a fat ass

AND now she is in a suicide pact with her friends...:( lmao

Uh, are you allowed to do a frowny emoticon and then type "lmao"? I'm almost certain that you can go to keyboard jail for that if the keyboard police catch you. (Keyboard) Anarchy in the YouTube! Sid Vicious would be proud, except that he's dead. Not from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, though. Don't worry, this whole post isn't just about my new spinoff blog The Suicidewich Collective.

Is the focus of this video the Dramatic Hamster parody, or the Thousand Island? Besides, Thousand Island dressing sucks.

Another unsolved mystery.

In other news, I watched Saw V and Burn After Reading online. Everyone involved with Saw V should be ashamed. I feel like I've dishonored my family by even talking about it. Burn After Reading was hilarious, and I highly recommend it. Whoops, I mean piracy is bad.

-Dave

Around the Teenagers, a Perimeter Create

This post is such a hodgepodge.
Atticus: I’m supposing Robin Williams has used once or twice in his ridiculous oral tangents.
Dave: Oral.
Atticus: Yes, through his mouth as he talks.
Dave: I'm 14, so oral means sex
Atticus: You wish you were.
Dave: My mind is.
Dave: And I'm eternally 14 in my LiveJournal fan-fiction.
Dave: That's really all that matters to me at this point. That's all I have to live for.
Atticus: That and the massive amounts of dark internet corners that you tend to stumble upon.
Dave: No comment.

A message from your future daughter:


As soon as she gets over that sinus infection, she is gonna pull some major Mean Girls life destruction type stuff.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday: Day of Reckoning

That's what my biopic will probably be called. My life is so extreme that everyday is a day of reckoning.

Anyhow, this week's video that needs to be more famous is exactly my style of humor. I saw it Thursday, and I immediately knew that it would be up here today. Dreams can come true (when you have a blog) Via Videogum:


-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #8

-Dave

Fetal Pigs Galore!!!

So for one of my finals, I had to identify the internal organs a fetal pig. So you think "hey, that's not too bad. I had to dissect X animal here and Y animal there," but this is different. The pigs we used looked like they were beat up by a wandering gang of Tom Brokaws. There were multiple colored bruises everywhere on those pigs. They looked like what I imagine Rosie O'Donnell looks like after wrestling with a whale to eat it and in the process having sex with it. That's right people, she looks like Donald Trump!


TURNS INTO THIS



Once mortal enemies are now one in the same. Who knew?

-Atticus

Cognitive Diss-Bo-nance

And I should hate Bo Burnham too, but I just can't. I shouldn't find his songs funny at all, but I do. Ah! Cognitive dissonance caused by the Youtubs! Fine, just watch the video and get away from me.

Oh, at least I can say that I hate his ironic t-shirt. I'm sure his success felt the sting from that.

Calculus final and a Physics test tomorrow. Whoops, I'm gonna go study so I don't get killed out of college. No, that wasn't a typo. I fear for my life.

-Dave

The Jackson Pollock of Rap and Fishing

In today's Victory! News, a Google search for the word vomedy produces my post from yesterday as the 5th result. Granted, it only produces 1570 results total, but still. Still. Let's see your blog get there.

The other thing which I felt warranted this extra post in the middle of the day was the following picture of rap artist Ghostface Killah:


From the shape of the bag on the far left, it appears to be implying that he has marijuana in large amounts. But then it looks like he is in the middle of stuffing that fish with chocolate bars. Either the drug trade is much more intricate than I had previously imagined, or Ghostface Killah is the Jackson Pollock of rap music. And fishing. What is happening in that picture? What is that crap on the shelves behind Mr. Ghostface (Mr. Killah?)? Why does he look angry at me for watching him stuff that fish with a chocolate bar?

This is too art for me.

-Dave

Stand-Up Vomedy

It's like stand-up comedy, but with vomiting. Because I'm sick. It was kind of funny how melodramatic everyone at the office was about it (I could see the estrogen discharge as their motherly instincts kicked in). Basically, I just left the room and threw up in a toilet in the bathroom. No biggie. If anorexic people can do it all the time, I should get one freebie. But no. They called an ambulance and Public Safety. Neither seemed particularly happy to see me, and I don't blame them. After filling out some forms saying I wouldn't sue the school, they dropped me off at my dorm. I went to class 15 minutes later.

While I didn't feel nauseous for the rest of the day, I have just felt really weak (because normally I'm so strong, right? Right?) and have a headache. Oh well. I got some sleep this afternoon and passed my time by drinking juice and watching The Royal Tenenbaums.

Oh, and FYI, I realized today how much of a pinko commie fag liberal I am when I found myself enjoying some orange-guava-passionfruit juice. I don't know what guava or passionfruit are, but my oh my do they taste good.

I need to stop being sick asap, because it really does not fit into my schedule for this week.

The Funny Titles are in my Other Bag

So tired so tired so tired so tired. I'm so tired right now, so this post needs to be quick.

Someone said "bastardize" in one of my classes today.

-Dave

Home was Nothing to Write Home About

Seriously, I played vidjuh games, hung out with friends and family, and ate. Big whoop. I won't be writing home about my time at home both because it wasn't exciting and because that would be redundant would be redundant would be redundant. Instead, you will have to deal with this out-of-context conversation excerpt for my apology concerning the missed posts. Buck up!

Dave: The point isn't to promote gay porn, Atticus.
Dave: The point is to give you a reason to sue the school for the cashmoney.
Atticus: Why dont you do it, Dave?
Dave: I don't go to [Atticus' school redacted].
Atticus: But the same rules would apply at your school
Dave: My latte-drinking libruhl elite education up here is far too tolerant for me to get away with a stunt like that.

So incredibly tired from the train ride.

-Dave

Trains, Trains, and Automotrains

I was on a train for over 9 hours today. First I went to Penn Station in New York City, and it was awesome. For 10 minutes I just sat there and listened to one ticket agent yelling at another ticket agent for yelling. He ended by saying, "Either get a megaphone, or shut up" and walked away looking quite upset. Whoops, it's a closed building and people are depending on the loudspeaker announcements to find the correct track. But yeah, that loud ticket lady probably needs a megaphone. Welcome to New York City. Kill yourself as soon as possible. Seriously, though, I loved being around the large crowds of people and the hustle/bustle.

The rest of the trip was spent in a weird half-awake half-asleep stupor listening to music. Now I'm sitting here at home. As far as I can tell, the only thing that's changed since my leaving is the addition of some shelves in the basement. Man, time has a way of changing things. Like shelves. Please plot shelves as a function of time and have your papers ready for me on Monday.

Oh yeah, and people who haven't seen me in 3 months say I appear to have lost weight. That's right, I'm losing weight. All the weight.

-Dave

Proof that there is a God

This is the ultimate evidence that God exists: Ann Coulter fell, broke her jaw, and her mouth is now wired shut. This is amazing! No long will the world be silenced by the sheer stupidity of that woman. No long will we have to endure her colorful phrases such as: "If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?" and "(Mel) Gibson didn't insert Jews into ("The Passion of the Christ") for some Machiavellian, racist reason. Christ was a Jew crucified by Romans at the request of other Jews in Jerusalem. I suppose if Gibson had moved the story to suburban Cleveland and portrayed Republican logging executives crucifying Christ, the left would calm down. But it simply didn't happen that way." Praise the Lord, there will be peace on the world for at least a few months.



BEHOLD MY PATHETIC MICROSOFT PAINT ABILITIES!!!

-Atticus

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #7

The numbering is all screwed up on these, I know. I'll fix them never probably.

Calm Down, the Comic Will be up in a Moment

You guys are really impatient, but I must spin you another yarn (it brings all the boys to the yard, blah blah blah pretend I made a joke).

So I walked into the building where the Physics office is a few minutes before going to my work-study (oh yeah, getting paid to workblog) and went to use the bathroom on the first floor. Because I'm good like that. There was a woman janitor standing in the entrance mopping the floor, so I said "Oh, sorry, I'll use a different bathroom." I'm courteous like that.

She responded, "No, it's fine, I'm almost done here." So I walked past her and almost made it to a urinal (eww) when she said, "And trust me, I've been married for 30 years. You ain't got nothin' I wanna see anymore."

First of all, even forgiving the grammar, I think it's a sad reflection on society when married couples can no longer feel that they can connect on a physical level, which probably only exacerbates any pre-existing marital problems they may have been having. Whoops, what I meant to say there was OH MY GOD SHUT UP YOU'RE SO GROSS!

I need to take a shower now. All the showers.

-Dave

Let me Spin you a Yarn, or Yarn you a Spin your...Yarn?

My yarn-spinning brings all the boys to the yard (as does my inability to make comprehensible post titles, apparently). Anyways, I was sitting in the Student Union getting ahead on some Chem. homework (oh yeah, I'm in college so I can use abbreviations like they're nothing. Deal with it, squares!) and this guy sat down at the same table as me to my left. I had my laptop out and plugged into the wall, and he pulled his out. I wasn't paying any attention to him at all until he went to plug in his laptop a few minutes later. That's when I noticed that he was watching what appeared to be a 12 year old boy/girl singing on American Idol. "Why didn't he notice that before?" you may be asking yourself. Because it was muted. He was watching a singing competition full-screen with the sound muted. Wow. I got up and left immediately (about 45 minutes later. You guys know how our Chem. homework is. By the way, what did you get for problem 4?). He was probably Chuck Manson's protege or something. College sucks because of that guy.

-Dave

Meh

Played Counter-Strike under the covers for most of today, and then worked on an essay for a while.

I've been watching some of the TED Talks on the YouTubes, and I highly recommend them if you're ready to have your mind blown. Here's a slightly less-than-mindblowing-but-still-interesting-and-mildly-amusing example about a guy who started a project to make modern art a little neater.

Nicely played sir, nicely played.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday

It's that time of the week again already. I know, this week dragged on forever. I'm so close to falling asleep right now, but this video needs to be made more famous. By me. On this blog.

Basically, it's one of those one-man YouTube comedies. But WAIT! What makes this one different is that it's actually really hilarious. This guy Alex Traynor summarizes the Bible in 4 (very explicit, very NSFW) parts. If you don't like the idea of God being a deadbeat, then this blog is not for you. Here's part 1:


Part 2
Part 3
Part 4 (aka the part that mentions Jesus, since I know that's the important one to you guys).

-Dave

Some Shameless Radio Talk

So, at college, I am what we in the professional business call "an on-air personality," but for those of you who can't understand this, I am a DJ for the radio. Once a week, I go to the radio booth with my friend and we play music and make fun of each other for two hours, or until someone complains about our music which we then have to calm ourselves down. All in all, its a fun time. Today was different though, today we started to harass random people walking past the DJ booth...and we interviewed a band, which was pretty sweet.

Normally, we just sit around and torment each other, but right in front of us, we saw a couple making out directly in front of the booth. As hilarious as this was, we screamed into the mikes for everyone to come out and watch some soft-core pornography for everyone's pleasure. Within one minute, about 15 people came out of the cafeteria and watched them lock lips for minutes on end. They were quite embarrassed, but I was very happy with myself. It was pretty sweet.

Second, we interviewed a band called Evil Empire who is playing a benefit show for LNS within the next few weeks. I have never interviewed a band before, but it was pretty sweet. The members were all cool and a couple of penis jokes slipped through our mouths to the ears of our audience. Woops, well they can go eff themselves. They know its funny, they are just too afraid to admit it. Overall, today was pretty good, minus the fact that I still had to go to a class where the teacher is a bumbling idiot. But that's another story.

-Atticus

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #5

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #6

-Dave

You Look so Tiny Down There from my Hologram

I just watched Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode, and it is great. You can watch it here.

"Alderon chunks everywhere," indeed. Another great show from the folks at Robot Chicken.

-Dave

My Supercross

You know that saying, "Everyone has their cross to bear"? Well, my cross today was a supercross. Actually, maybe it was a bear cross that I bore. For the bear Jesus. I had to get up at 7am this morning for a Chemistry test, and literally just got back from the Physics homework session (which started at 9). Yeah, I know it was a 17-hour day (and the supercross that I was carrying around all day certainly didn't speed things up, what with the weight and all since it's made of gold and platinum which is impossible for me to steal or in any way profit from). It wasn't fun, except for the homework session. Every time I go to one of those, I realize how much I like doing physics.

I just wiped an ironic tear from my eye there. Oh yeah, welcome to The Being Serious/Physics Collective blog now. Because I was being serious and talking about physics before. You can check if you'd like.

I'm going to sleep under my epic reversible red/blue cover tonight. It will be so warm. 5 days until break! I'm so excitired!

-Dave

Two Quick Thoughts about Atoms

I had these two thoughts in Chemistry today:
1. I would love to see an action movie about a secret agent/particle physicist, if only because it would allow for a setup of the line "Get ready to have the wave function collapsed-on your head!"

2. Why does everybody describe plasma as "atomic soup"? First of all, it's a crappy metaphor, and doesn't really begin to describe what a plasma is. Second, all soup is atomic in that it is made of atoms.



Also, what is with this question from the online survey about the class?


The most glaring problem with this question is that there is no negative choice. Or even a neutral choice. Chemistry here is so good that you either LOVE it or you start a LiveJournal group with your 13 year old girl friends dedicated to extol the virtues of the class. That aside, the answers don't fit grammatically with the questions. "How well did the instructions help you?" would be answered somewhere on a scale between "Not at all" and "Very much," and "Did you enjoy the class?" should be answered with either "Yes" or "No," or else a similar scale. I get that you are the Chemistry dept. (nice abbreviation...too tired to type out the other 6 letters for a survey that will be sent out to hundreds of students? That's fine, just abbreviate it).

74,1,8,8,15,16 on their part. That's Tungsten, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Oxygen, Phosphorous, Sulfur. WHOOPS.

-Dave

Some Stuff and a Story I Forgot

First thing is first: I am so lucky that I had taken Calculus before coming here. The teacher does her best, but some of her test questions are just crazy. I defy anyone to show me how to integrate [1/sqrt(x-1)]dx without using a u substitution, which we aren't supposed to have learned yet. I am almost certain that it cannot be done. Either way, I know I got it right (checked online immediately afterward) and she said she didn't care at all how I solved it. Fair enough.

Then my one humanities class for this semester was canceled at 2, but I had to stay on campus to go to work at 4. I ended up mostly looking at the Barry Gibb Talk Show SNL skit on Youtube and did a little work on an essay for Thursday.

Back at the room, I fell asleep until 7. Then I went to a pointless meeting about finals (oh, we're really not supposed to cram? And sleep would help? It's like the Oracle herself is here!).


Now I'm writing this blog post and need to work on a different essay for that same class.

So for the forgotten story, it seems crazy of me to have not posted it on Friday, but whatever. One of the TAs from Calculus was kind of upset at me because of how I was doing some of the problems. It wasn't that I was getting the wrong answer or losing points (no lost points=no care ever), but that he didn't like my process. He said it wouldn't stand up to the rigor of mathematics. Luckily, this is Calculus. Calculus I. Whoah. When he asked me if I was a Physics major, I told him that I was. He then went on a 5 minute rant about how frustrating it was to talk to physicists because "they all play fast and loose with the rules". The rules of math.

You guys, I play fast and loose with the rules, so watch out. It's like the wild West out here on my quizzes and tests. Will Smith, stay away.

-Dave

Moderately Boring...Boringly Moderate

This was today:

Can you hear that hotlink sizzle?

Anyways, I just worked on some homework today. No big whoop. I did, however, eat the best bowl of French Onion soup I've ever tasted. My God. Whoever makes the soups here needs to be given a medal. A soup medal.




You know, I was really hoping that I could just start rambling and the post would more or less write itself. Looks like that worked out pretty well. I am a blogging genius.

-Dave

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #5

-Dave

KKK and Its Eminent Bankruptcy

So I read a news article yesterday saying that $2.5 million in damage is to be awarded to a certain Jordan Gruver by the KKK in Kentucky. Apparently, a Ku Klux Klan group - the Imperial Klans of American - beat the living snot out of this kid because they thought he was an illegal Latino immigrant. Gruver is of Panamanian and Native American descent. Here is a picture of the white supremacists who almost set Gruver on fire.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/11/14/klan.sued.verdict/index.html


Now comes the rant/taunting. First off, this scenario happened in Kentucky. As such is assumed, Kentucky is littered with these kinds of groups ( don't yell at me for pointing out the truth Kentucky. YOU ARE AWARE OF IT!!!) (go suck on a drumstick). Second, whatever area this happened in, there must be a strong group of these KKK members, because they were passing out pamphlets at a carnival, and just decided to attack this kid. Third, when Gruver sued these people, those KKK members who talked about what happened in effect destroyed their case. Any point that the KKK had to defend their position was brutally obliterated by these dults, thus adding to the phrase that 'if you don't have anything good to say, don't talk.' Fifth, this picture is just hilarious. They look like a bunch of fat bears on a bad trip of crack. Just amazing. Sixth, this KKK group is more than likely going to lose their plot of land where they hold their meetings, as this has happened before where KKK groups lost anywhere from $3-10 million dollars in lawsuits.


On a random note, I hate snow.


-Atticus

Look at the Time (...BOO!)

Sorry for scaring you with that title, there. The blogosphere can be a startling place sometimes. I actually almost missed putting up a post today because I lost track of the time. Never fear, though, as I am here. I have nothing to report. It has been an extremely slow news day, and I certainly didn't do anything worthy of note today.

For a couple of hours I got caught up on my back issues of Discover, but then got somewhat bored with it. I get it, I need to go green. Shut up. On a mildly amusing side note, one of their articles is already out-of-date, as it claimed that no telescope currently exists which could directly observe an extrasolar planet. As shown by the two images released on Friday, clearly this is not the case. You need to realign your telescrewed to better focus on Alfail Centauri (wow, that was definitely deserves a zing!).

Later in the day, I became so bored that I fired up (yeah, because it's gas-powered) Cabal for the first time in a few weeks. I play it whenever I'm especially bored, and today was just one of those very slow kind of days.

A week from this Tuesday, I'll be on a train back home for the week. That should be cool. Definitely need to play me some Fallout 3.

-Dave

More-Famous Friday!

This is so much earlier than usual, I know. The point is this: it's Friday, and this video needs to be way more famous than 80,000 views. Honestly, there should be fake motivational posters with this guy on them already. Internet, sometimes your metaphorical Segway hits a metaphorical crack in the metaphorical sidewalk (my metaphors, let me show you them). Pick up the pace, internet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZyDgXqvBiM

Also, a huge thanks to Dintillion for giving me the ability to embed this video even though embedding was disabled on it. It didn't work. That site could come in handy for later on, so I think I'll bookmark it. The internet is a book. I mark it. Sorry for the philosophy again (remember, papers are still due Monday).

-Dave

EDIT: This is going to sound really nerdy, but was I the only person to see the title of this video and immediately think of Tali'Zorah nar Rayya? I can see the resemblance:

Sometimes George Bush Throws up the Shocker

Any comment I could possibly make about this picture would be inadequate, and so I have opted instead to circle every instance of the shocker that is clearly recognizable. The original picture is on the White House website here.

Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose #4

Yeah, I picked a title for my comic finally. Big whoop. You should all be very thankful for this, because I couldn't even use Word for this like I normally do because it's all screwed up (big shoutout to Windows Update shutting down my computer in the middle of the night! Heyuh!). I did this with Excel, and it still looks good. Although I suppose that since none of the art is my own, that doesn't really matter.

Sorry for that philosophy lecture (your papers are due this Monday people). Here it is:


-Dave

Another AIM Conversation Due to a Late Night of (Phyiscs) Partying

Atticus: I have a bad habit of not copying down the problem before i solve it

Dave: You're just all-around a worse person than I had ever imagined

Atticus: It's true

Atticus: I put a good amount of people to shame

Atticus: Especially those people who actually try to act horrible

Atticus: Like Hitler

Atticus: He was a poser

Atticus: He could've done much worse

Dave: Yeah

Dave: Like not write down his trig homework

Dave: Mein fuhrer!

Dave: Der Triggenstein!

Dave: NACHT!

Sucky Newspapers and Why They Should Be Burned

So, my college has a weekly paper called The Advocate and it has little crappy new stories and something called a police blotter. The police blotter is a written list of summarized disturbances happening at the university. Some are funny, most are retarded. Take for example: On November 11, a group of students had the police called on them because of a milk-chugging contest taking place outside a dorm. No charges were pressed... Well, I hope no charges were freaking pressed because some kids were trying to get they're daily amount of Vitamin C! I suppose that milk is the new crack cocaine of the streets. Spread the word people! If you hear the phrase "Hey Jimmy, let's go suck the milk out of that cow!" beware. This actually means that those kids are going to go snort crack cocaine off a dead hooker's ass... YOU ARE BUNCH OF KNUCKLE-HEADED DUMBASSES TO CALL THE POLICE ON KIDS DRINKING MILK!!!

Second idiotic thing about the paper: an article on the front page talked about someone getting charged for possession of marijuana. Yes I am aware that possession of enough marijuana is illegal you morons of the internet world, but the newspaper must be pathetic enough to actually have to make an article about it. If every newspaper wrote an article every time someone got caught with marijuana, the rain forest would be destroyed in a matter of days. No joke people, that is just lame. Go overdose on some milk you dairy-lovers of the world!



The papers should be burned because as we all know, fire is awesome as seen by this comic:

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

-Atticus

What a Raven Day

Seriously, today was so Raven. Tuesdays are always interesting because I'm done with class by 1. Today I got back to my room at 1:30, fell asleep, and woke up at 5:30. It's like they want me to do all of college in a day or something, the rate they're making me work at.

To address the elephant in the room (what? The internet is a room and this blog is a table near an elephant, I guess), I did not do a regular post yesterday after the comic because I was busy planning comics for weeks ahead. How many weeks, you may ask? 11. I found 22 epic pictures of old-time models that are just ripe for my style of thought/speech bubble humor. I'm not gonna lie, you guys, they're like the 90's SNL of internet comics that involve no actual drawing. Is it even a comic then? Who knows. Here are the names I'm considering for it:

Stupid Fashion
LolModels
Somebody Else's Grandmother
Some Things were Forgotten on Purpose
Endless Photographic Model Happy!

If you can do better, then tell me. You probably can't, though. That's not reverse psychology. Nor is that. Or that. That last one was.

-Dave

New Comic (Yeah, I get Paid to do This)

I'm at my work-study job in the Physics Department right now, and just finished a new comic. I think I'll try to stick to a Monday-Thursday schedule for this. Maybe. I've also been considering some titles, but haven't decided on anything for sure yet.



-Dave

A Graph of Physics

Most of today was spent putting the final touches on some lab write-ups for Physics tomorrow, double checking data, triple checking data, spell-checking the write-ups, quadruple-checking the data, and printing it all out. I graphed all of Physics probably.

I realized today two weeks after this Tuesday, I'll be home for a week for Thanksgiving. That's gonna be sweet. In the meantime, I'll be hanging out here doing Physics guitar solos (eeeeeeeee=mcwiddlywiddlywiddlysqueeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeered!). Just kidding, everything I do is guitar solos. On that note, somebody needs to get me Gogol Bordello's new CD Super Taranta!, if only so I can listen to "Ultimate" without having to go on YouTube. Here's a live video of the song, enjoy:



Also, if you're looking for a Christmas present for me, get me those pants that Eugene is wearing. Today was definitely a good day.

-Dave

Bunnies

The best bunny picture of them all. An angry Brittany Spears-bunny hybrid stealing children and raping their minds with the horrors of drinking acid like its soda. A 10 out of 10, easily.

-Atticus

IDK, my BFF Couscous?

In all honesty, the most interesting thing that happened today was that I ate some couscous with a spoon. I know, I'm like basically every anarchist rolled into one what with the utensil rebellion.

On a side note, here's something I learned about myself: regardless of how inane the comment may be, whenever someone makes a YouTube comment to the effect of "5:21 si so seweet," I have to watch it. Always.

Enjoy this literal Rick Roll video from 2:17-2:25:


-Dave

More-Famous Friday

Today's video is from a Japanese hidden camera show, and it's funny for a bunch of reasons.



The first reason this is funny is the tittle of it: "funny Japanese hippen camera show". Both the ridiculous choice of capitalizing "Japanese" and the use of mirror image letters for "d" make that funny.

As for the video itself, it's your pretty standard Japanese prank show content. Most of those stunts seem like they could've caused some serious injury to the victims. Also, you can tell that it always takes the people a moment to realize that it isn't actually a monster. I think the guy throwing bowling balls at people's faces was my favorite. 5 views is the best you can do, Internet? Make this video more famous.

-Dave

Taking Phrases Too Literally

Phrase: Swear to God


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Could you take this phrase any more seriously? Not only does it offend Catholics, but mentally challenged folks across the world.

Because I can't find any other snappy (like the drink, minus the pound of sugar) pictures, I'm going to post other bizarre pictures.




Hair on fire. Change the letter 'r' with the letter 'l' and get Hail the fire! YES!!! We shall all hail the fire! Especially the fire that sits on model's heads slowly (yes, fire on people's heads burns slower compared to fire on other objects such as a cat) dissolving its flesh.



This is probably the worst picture of all. Although there is a hint of truth in this picture, its absurd nonetheless. It puts all peoples with any form of faith in the Bible in the shitter. Oh wait, I just got a call from them, they are waiting for me...and it smells like a dying otter stuffed with self-loathing and a hint of mint. I really and truly think the mint is what makes it tolerable.

DON'T HATE ME FOR HATING ON ANY AND EVERYTHING!!!

-Atticus

New Comic Today

I have no idea what to name this comic series. Comment or send us an e-mail to thesandwichcollective [at] gmail dot com if you have any ideas.




-Dave

Greased Lightbox

→←+-↻

Loading image

Click anywhere to cancel

Image unavailable

Idle Hands are a Lazy Blog Post's Tools

Blogs are the devil.

Atticus: shes not that bad of a person
Atticus: i enjoyed having her as a teacher
Atticus: i hated almost everyone else in the class tho
Dave: christ's love just glows within you, doesn't it?
Atticus: brighter than Michael Moore's belly
Atticus: which incidentally isn't all that bright
Dave: except for when he swallows a small lamp for Halloween
Dave: like a Moore-o-lantern
Atticus: that would be awesome
Atticus: i would video tape his belly glowing

-Dave

The Dreadlock-Scott Affair

That title is seriously witty. A wit is me, indeed.

More important than the election is the fact the the connection between Crunk and Chemistry has been shown to be a fraud! Indeed, it seems that Rastafarianism's influence was way underestimated, and for this I am truly sorry to my reader(s?...keep it singular), to my family, and to my country. During the lecture and during the review session tonight, the diatomic Iodine molecule (I-I) was discussed. Normally this would be no reason to raise an eyebrow (unless you're about to get Iodine in your eye, that stuff hurts), but today was different. Both people who referred to this molecule referred to it as "I I" or "I and I". The best part was that both times somebody had a long series of questions about it. I and I is indeed a non-polar covalent bond. Bad Brains are the head of the Chemistry department, by the way.

(Drive it like it's hotlinked!)


-Dave

Obama won (Insert False Surprise Here)

538 just called the election for Obama with his victory in Virginia. Honestly, folks, it was over when he won Ohio and Pennsylvania. That's right, Obama is receiving the always-vital Sandwich Collective Victory Verification ((R), lol) I am so glad that this election is over, and I cannot wait for him to take office and massively underwhelm. It's not his fault that he will underwhelm, but his disciplecrats (heyo!) have hyped him to the point that he couldn't possibly meet their expectations. I'm done with democracy.

It seems that, despite the best effort of these people with kittens, Obama won. I hope you're all pleased.


-Dave

The Absurdity that is Guitar Hero/Rockband

Before I begin, I need to tell you all that I do enjoy playing Guitar Hero. I don't mind partaking in the occasional Rockband thingy. I do mind how many f*cking Guitar Hero/Rockband games there are. It appears that America has been absorbed in the Guitar Hero obsession plaguing the nation. There are more games than I can count on one hand, and soon there will be more of these games than there are molecules on Spock's over-sized ears.

To start off this list of chronological games, we start with Guitar Hero 1 for the Playstation 2 in 2005. Slow at first, but quickly grew in popularity. Kinda like Cher, before she turned into the Cher. Do you get it? Probably not. F*ck you.


In 2006, Guitar Hero II was released on the PS2, then in 2007 was released to the Xbox 360. At this time, Guitar Hero's popularity was growing incredibly fast.


In the same year (2007, dumbasses) Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock was released for almost every existing system known. In this same year, two other Guitar Heros were released for portable devices. Due to laziness, I am not going to post the pictures of the rest of the Guitar Hero games. Instead, I might put up random offensive pictures. Just because. Or not...

In 2008, every other Guitar Hero game is released including: Guitar Hero World Tour; Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s; Guitar Hero: Aerosmith; Guitar Hero: Metallica; and other minuscule portable Guitar Heros. I believe that Guitar Hero is coming out Guitar Hero: AC/DC. Will the terror ever stop? They will soon be enough Guitar Hero games to drown a full-grown gorilla on roids.



Don't even get me started on freakin RockBand games. PISS HOLE DUMB SH*T FREAKIN TURD EATING D*CKWHICH!!!!

-Atticus

AC/DC: Black Ice (Cream in Brian Johnson's Mouth)

It has come to my attention that Bon Scott still has not risen from the dead. It'll happen, don't worry. You can't keep that much rock in the dirt (because those are both things on the ground! Right guys? Guys?). I don't want to say that Brian Johnson is a terrible replacement, but he just doesn't have the same energy as Mr. Scott. Plus, why does it always look like he's got an M-80 going off in his mouth? Exhibit A:


Oh yeah, and his mouth is the singularity from the Matrix, apparently. (Insert pseudo-philosophical explanation that would only make sense to a bunch of art students in a New York City Starbucks on a Wednesday afternoon while somebody plays the acoustic guitar poorly in the background).

Then, there's this:


Mum unna highwaynuh hale, indeed! Did I see some cake fall out of his mouth there? This would be really hilarious if it didn't bring up a serious question: will any of Black Ice be understandable, or will it just be a bunch of sweet guitar solos with this guy Wharrgarbling over top of them? If so, someone please give me that karaoke version of that CD. Seriously, though, if I hadn't been able to understand the few times that he said the word "down" in relation to when he said "Highway to Hell," I would've had to question whether they were actually playing the right song.

How much money did Brian Johnson make this week? Probably a lot more than words he can properly enunciate. This is an open message to Brian Johnson: I will teach you how to speak if you give me some money. What else are you gonna spend it on? Seriously, what? Muzzy? Not a bad idea, actually.

While I've got your attention, I'd also like to say lose the hat. We know you're going bald, and you don't need to try to hide it anymore. You'll just get laughed at by the other drivers (ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL! Wow, am I ever the ringleader of the Cirque du Lol).

-Dave

A Young Person's Guide to Hilarious

New episode of A Young Person's Guide to History is up here. Now. Watch it now.

Actually...wait a minute. Is Ben Franklin the voice of Master Shake? While he was discussing an online forum with Alexander Hamilton while fishing during Christmas, I could swear he sounded exactly like Master Shake. I will get to the bottom of this.

...

Ok, so I was right. Dana Snyder does the voice of Shake and plays the role of Ben Franklin. Why the sudden change in mood? I just found out that the show is only composed of two parts! What? No! They took Aqua Teen, Tim & Eric, Metalocalypse, Robot Chicken, and Xavier away from me all at once! My LiveJournal (remember how I'm a 13 year old girl?) is gonna run red with the digital metaphorical blood of whoever I decide is responsible for this.

Rest in peace, last vestige of Adult Swim hilarity until summer. Wow, that's actually really appropriate since Halloween was recently. Oops, I destroyed any drama that the unnecessarily formal language of the first sentence of this paragraph may have created.

-Dave

Yeah, I Made my Own Comic-Type Thing!

Ha! This will most certainly not be a regular thing, but I couldn't help painting this photograph in the style of Lol. I'm sure we all remember the Lolism movement immediately after the Korean War. Artists reacting to the horrors of war and all that. This is all the outfits that you probably own:



-Dave

Greased Lightbox

→←+-↻

Loading image

Click anywhere to cancel

Image unavailable